Here’s What You Missed in Wisconsin This Week: April 1

Goats, ducks, pigs and Navy warships.

The Goats Are Coming

This week, Jason Haas, the outgoing county supervisor, secured the funds for Operation Get Out Annoying Trash Species, aka Operation G.O.A.T.S., aka it’s not actually called that because it’s just an unnamed program that will bring goats to county parks and have them eat the invasive species. There are some potential complications with the proposal. Staff will have to clear some of the parks before sending in the goats because “most of the buckthorn in the parks is 10 to 15 feet tall and goats can only reach up to six feet on their hind legs.” There’s a very obvious solution here that no one has proposed. We need to hire a second team of goats (Operation G.O.A.T.S. 2.0: The Gruff Bunch). The original G.O.A.T.S. squadron will hop onto the new goats’ backs, and then they can reach the buckthorn. Easy, efficient, genius. I think I’m going to run for county supervisor on an all-goats platform. People driving recklessly on your block? Put goats in the middle of the road. Want to redevelop an abandoned building? Toss some goats in there, call it a zoo. Worried about the looming debt crisis? Here’s a goat.

Odd Duck’s Back

Last summer, Odd Duck announced that it was leaving its Bay View location and opening a new space in Walker’s Point. The new restaurant officially opened on Friday, serving up small plates and trying out some fancy new dishes.

Odd Duck always makes me nostalgic for childhood – not because of the food or anything, just because it reminds me of my teachers, always saying stuff like, “Oh, don’t mind Archer, he’s a bit of an odd duck. He’ll stop trying to eat his shoes if you just boop him on the head with a newspaper.” Good times.

Photo courtesy of Odd Duck

A New Miss Milwaukee Was Crowned

Jada Davis became the first Black woman crowned Miss Milwaukee last week. She’s going on to compete in the Miss Wisconsin pageant in June. Meanwhile, my effort to become the first short, ugly guy to win Mr. America continues unsuccessfully.

Jada Davis; Photo by Ebony Cox

Over 100 New Acts Were Announced for Summerfest

This week, Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Wu-Tang Clan, John Fogerty, Modest Mouse, 2 Chainz and 100 other acts were announced for this year’s Summerfest lineup. They joined some already-announced headliners, like Justin Bieber and Machine Gun Kelly. This is exciting. Not as exciting as, say, the thought of reading books alone in the comfort of my room, but yeah, exciting.

Photo by Visit Milwaukee

The Cheese Bracket Has A Winner

Over the past four weeks, Milwaukee Magazine has been engaged in a scientific endeavor of the sort never yet attempted by the so-called men of letters, who due to a certain aristocracy of the mind refuse to examine the questions that beguile and bewitch the thoughts of common men, lest the answers bring discomfort or damage to the monied interests that tug at their pursestrings with such lovingly usury. So fragile and quick to unmanly terror these “scholars” be, that this magazine undertook to examine forthrightly the quandaries from which they flee with such weakness and self-deception, and we have now, as a result of our courageous inquiry, determined, as it were, The Big Cheese. “Widmer’s Mild Brick” was announced the winner of our Cheese Bracket this week, chosen by the people through vigorous voting and free thought, and henceforth this shall be known as true and valid throughout the land, as affirmed by our strength of intellect and antiquation of prose.

Photo via Widmer’s Cheese

Scam City Restoration?

This week, we published an investigative story about Cream City Restoration. The now-shuttered furniture business, which opened in Milwaukee, is facing multiple allegations of fraud from customers who’ve mounted a social media campaign against the business. These include claims that furniture was never returned to customers (or was returned in pieces), that promised restoration work was never done and that customers were refused refunds. Our attempts to contact CCR’s owners went unanswered, and TMJ4 has since reported that the owners are working with a bankruptcy attorney who is helping shut down the business and is “in the process of getting the names of everyone who is missing money or missing furniture.”

Photo courtesy of Karen Friedberg

The Absurd Lack of Oscar Nominations for ‘Pig’

I wrote 1,000 words about this on our website this week, and now I’m going to write more because PIG GOT RIPPED OFF, GOSHDARNIT, AND I WON’T LET IT STAND. Michael Sarnoski, who’s from Milwaukee, wrote an amazing, moving, bold movie about a man (played by Nicolas Cage) who lives alone in the woods with a truffle pig. At the very least, it deserved to be nominated in at least one category – best director, best actor,  best original screenplay, best picture – and instead it got zero nominations. Why? Do they Oscars hate good movies? Actually … let’s look at the list of some other movies that didn’t get a single nomination in their respective years: American Psycho, The Big Lebowski, Don’t Look Now, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, The King of Comedy, Paths of Glory, Reservoir Dogs, The Searchers, The Shining, You Were Never Really Here and Zodiac. So at least Pig’s in good company.

Nicolas Cage stars in “Pig”; Still from trailer

USS Milwaukee Might Be Decommissioned

In 2011, construction began on USS Milwaukee. Now in 2022, the Navy wants to pull it from service. Under its new budget, the Navy plans to decommission nine of its Freedom-class littoral combat ships, which have had reliability problems and high repair costs. That includes USS Milwaukee, which just a few months ago was involved in the seizure of $22 million in suspected cocaine. Thankfully, the Navy’s also looking to pull USS Indianapolis. Thank God. We can’t be worse than Indiana – that would be unbearable.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.