The USS Milwaukee Seizes $22 Million in Suspected Cocaine
This week, I received an email from the Navy. Understandably, I presumed that I was being recruited to join the SEALS, where my physical excellence and many skills and abilities could be put to good use. I composed a response, graciously accepting the appointment and inquiring about my first top secret mission. Turns out it was just a press release.
But boy, what a press release.
The “Freedom-variant littoral combat ship” USS Milwaukee, embarked by the U.S. Coast Guard Law Enforcement Detachment, was deployed in the “4th Fleet area of operations” which includes the Caribbean and Eastern Pacific. After an aircraft spotted a possible drug smuggling vessel, the USS Milwaukee intercepted, boarded the ship, detained five suspected traffickers and seized an estimated 315 kilograms of that sweet, sweet nose candy, worth roughly $22 million. Damn, that’s a lot of cash. You could buy 3,142,857 copies of Jeremy Renner’s debut EP The Medicine with that kind of scratch. Just think of all you could do with 3,142,857 copies of Jeremy Renner’s debut EP The Medicine.
Milwaukee Cop Shot in the Line of Duty Gets Free Super Bowl Tickets
Police officer Herbert Davis was shot last Thursday night. He’s been recovering in the hospital and his family set up a GoFundMe to help pay for expenses. This week, WTMJ Radio and Good Karma Brands bought Davis, a Cincinnati Bengals fan, two tickets to see his team play in the Super Bowl, along with plane tickets, a hotel room and a “couple thousand in spending money.” Davis says he’s planning to take his father, who lives in Ohio.
This is a really nice story, and I don’t have any jokes about it.
Although … I do know an inspirational story about a reporter injured in the line of duty. Urgently typing up a crucial piece of investigative journalism late into the night, this hero tragically began to suffer a minor wrist ache and light stress headache. Just the price one must pay when defending democracy. If, you know, anyone wants to give this brave young man some free Super Bowl tickets, I bet he would appreciate it. Just talk to me, I know where to reach him.
The Oak Creek Unicorn
Oak Creek. It’s like Narnia, but with more IKEAs. Over the past week, several Oak Creekers have spotted a white deer roaming their lands. This has led to a social media conflict over what to name the unicorn. What a bunch of foolishness. Obviously, its name should be Shimmer.
VOTE FOR MILWAUKEE’S BEST BEER!
What’s Brew City’s best? We’ve picked 16 of our favorite Milwaukee craft beers for a March Madness-style tournament, but it’s up to you to pick the winner! Will it be bright and hoppy? Dark and malty? A zippy lager? Every one is worthy of the title; who will claim the sudsy crown?
The Bronze Fonz Disappears
Tuesday afternoon, the Bronze Fonz disappeared from the Riverwalk. The mysterious vanishing of our city’s glorious statue was quickly explained by Visit Milwaukee, who let us know that the Fonz was taken to Vanguard Sculpture Services for regular maintenance. And then Tuesday night, I wrote a nearly 1,000-word article about this with a total of 27 jokes, if you count the intro. So now I’m completely out of jokes about this Bronze Fonz story. Seriously. I got nothing here. … I dunno … you want a Dostoevsky quote?
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
A Tavern in the Metaverse
Picture this. A dim tavern, the stench of beer hanging in the air, your favorite song playing on the speakers at just the right volume. You lean against the hardwood and motion to the bartender for another one. She slides a cool glass full to the brim your way, and you take a foamy sip of that perfect, cold beer. You turn back to your friends, crack a joke and watch their faces light up, and your old buddy Eric throws his arm around your shoulder in joyous camaraderie. It’s a simple thing really, this little tavern, but it’s enough, and for a moment you finally feel at home in the world.
Except Eric is actually a sophisticated artificial intelligence with a personality designed around your exact psychological profile in order to keep you consistently validated, comfortable and unlikely to deviate from societal norms. And the bartender is a surveillance program designed to leach what little is left of your personal data in order to create an up-to-the-minute profile of you for future targeted advertisements. And the beer is an algorithm that expertly stimulates certain tastebuds in a certain order to achieve maximal brew enjoyment. You’re lying in a bathtub filled with soothing amniotic fluid, hooked to three tubes, two ports, and a pulse monitor, staring at a screen two inches from your face, while the connector in your skull port floods your gray matter with dopamine. Your kidneys are owned by the AmaMicroGoo conglomerate and you now owe the AppBook Corporate Innovation and Freedom Network three liters of blood to pay for the new “Fully Immersive Bar Experience Expansion Pack.” You haven’t seen the sunlight in three years, and you are happy.
So … anyway … Facebook’s “metaverse” now has a digital bar. This virtual reality universe bar will have darts, billiards, a photo booth and “virtual pilsners,” offering folks an “immersive, communal experience.” It opens at 7 a.m. Monday in the metaverse. See you there!
