Somewhere between the realm of the precocious preschooler and any of the gals on a holiday episode of the “Golden Girls” lays the lair of the holiday sweater. This seasonal garment, which is by all accounts both reviled and ubiquitous, rears its ugly head with little or no warning about this time of year. Just who hasn’t been confronted by the well-meaning wearer of something that shall we say is unsightly to say the least? I am here to do a little research and enlighten us all about the insidious way these gruesomely gleeful items permeate the fabric of our society, and yes, even life.
Novelty wear can be traced back to perhaps the poodle skirt or even before, but we don’t see a yearly revival of re-imagined sock hop hilarity. Supposedly, these artless atrocities show our “merry” side to the world, but in truth, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t “bah-humbug” them. If one must spread the cheer associated with this time of giving and reflection, I would suggest another ever-present yet less eye-searing choice, the Santa hat. But personal feelings aside, I did find some worth and mirth in these colorful Christmas calamities.
There are many folks out there who have taken these over-wrought lemons and turned them into lemonade by hosting Christmas Sweater Parties. First, I ran across this. The three guys who founded the site claim that they are “The World Wide Web’s #1 Provider of Ugly Christmas Sweaters!” The party they have must be loads of fun. I imagine they give out prizes such as “Most Likely To Induce Nausea,” “ Best Battery Operated” and “Most Likely To Cause Moderate Retinal Damage.” Sounds like a practical way to put these things to good use and properly display their unique fashion designs. That is if you can call a 3-D reindeer head sprouting from your chest like the monster in Alien any type of fashion. If you are so inclined, these gents even include ideas on how to throw a party and tips for games and prizes as well.
Like the lost toys relegated to a remote island on the famous “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” just where do those ugly sweaters go year after year? I know for a fact that many are donated to charity thrift stores and probably help do a sizable business for them, earning money at this crucial time for so many in need.
But I actually found another website, which seems to be the clearinghouse for every type of awful knit sweater ever made, including ugly Christmas sweaters. “We have the largest selection of Ugly Christmas Sweaters on the internet. Our Ugly Sweater inventory is updated daily to make sure you have plenty of available options.” Options for what? I would guess it is to scare sane partygoers and induce heavy drinking! But, the purveyors of all things putrid on this site have a wicked sense of humor, and some of their descriptions of the merchandise are absolutely hilarious! I would check it out just for the clever wordplay, if not the actual items themselves. For a description of a dreadful fleece pullover they called a “Santa Claus P.O.W. sweater,” they give us the following in part: “In 1968 at the time of the Tet Offensive, Santa was preparing for his annual flight. He cleared China, Singapore and the Middle East without conflict. But shortly after, Santa’s sleigh was struck by a major anti-aircraft offensive by the Viet Cong…” And it goes on in great detail about how this sweater came into existence. Brilliantly lowbrow comic writing, and I admit it did bring a chuckle to my already holiday-weary self.
Another site with more ugly Christmas sweaters than you can shake a candy cane at is www.rustyzipper.com. The folks behind this site take a more vintage-archival approach to the display of their merchandise. Although they use less 
disparaging commentary, the site does provide plenty of good-quality photographs and detailed descriptions of the revolting items for sale here. They even have related items such as Ugly Christmas Hats and Ugly Christmas Pins.
Many communities across the country hold “Hideous Holiday Sweater” parties or contests that raise money for charity, and that is a wonderful thing to behold. No matter what your personal opinion on your Aunt Pearl’s battery-operated Christmas tree sweater, you just have to be amazed at the variety and depth of all the horrid holiday wear floating out there in the cosmos, just waiting for an opportunity to unleash its ungainly glory again next year. Let’s just say that Christmas-themed sweaters aren’t really fashion and never have been. But the smiles they bring, intentional or not, and the fun and goodwill they promote can in the end even melt an old curmudgeonly heart like mine. Please forward any pictures of horrible holiday wear to me at bjorn@milwaukeemag.com.
