I Ate Every State Fair Sporkie in Under Two Hours

On the way to the State Fair, we almost got in a car crash. In retrospect, this feels like an omen.

You see, I was on a mission to eat all eight of this year’s Sporkies finalists – those strange, inventive, often fried, occasionally unholy creations that only the State Fair can pull off. I’d extended the invitation to the entire Milwaukee Mag staff, but the only one who came through was our digital editor, Brianna, who both pitied me and also didn’t understand what exactly she was signing up for. Editor’s Note: He’s right, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

And then as we drove toward the fair to complete our mission, some dude just zoomed out right in front of us at an intersection, totally ignoring the stop sign. Brakes screeching, we hurtled toward his car (which was already missing half a bumper because clearly this guy’s been driving like a moron for some time), and screeched to a halt just before collision.

In the heart-pounding moments afterward, I considered turning back. And yet, I failed to heed the signs and portents presented to me. I ventured on to the State Fair, and through a strength not my own, I ate every single Sporkie. I did it for journalism. I did it for the culinary arts. I did it, in many ways, for freedom and for justice. And also I did it because I was bored.

Here’s what I thought of this year’s Sporkies finalists: 

Pretzaroni Pizza Brat – Getrude’s Pretzels

Gertrude, I don’t know you and I apologize if this is too forward, but hot damn you know how to make a pretzel. The breading was the star of this show – excessively buttered, salty and covered in parmesan. Honestly, I would just eat the bread straight. Editor’s note: That’s exactly what I ended up doing, actually.

The brat within was a solid stadium-style brat, nothing too wild. I will caution that it’s a bit difficult to gnaw through the skin of the sausage. More than once, I found myself chomping and shaking my head like a rottweiler after a chew toy. But that was a small price to pay for this Sporkie, which proved to be a remarkably strong start to my journey. 

Ube Butter Banana French Toast Lumpia – Lumpia City

Do you like hot bananas? Well, you’ll probably love this. Clearly, the panel of Sporkies judges are hot banana fans because they gave this Lumpia the Sporkies win this year – and there was indeed a long and winding line to buy it at the fair. People really seem to love it. I unfortunately am not that enthusiastic when it comes to hot bananas. Cold bananas, sure, under certain circumstances. But hot bananas, not so much. And while this lumpia has a lot of complex and interesting flavor to it, the primary one is, as I’ve mentioned, hot banana.

Gochujang Smashburger with Kimchi Bacon Jam – Blue Moon Tavern at the Park

I bit into this burger expecting trouble. You see, I have the spice tolerance (and complexion) of a sickly Victorian child, and I fully expected the Gochujang to have me gasping for water. And OK, yes, it was a little spicy for me, but in the end it didn’t matter because this burger was delicious. The double smash patties covered in melted gouda, cucumbers, and that kimchi bacon jam came together into a remarkably unique experience. Each bite I took had a different assortment of flavors mashed together – all great. 

Brianna was equally if not more enthused about this burger than me. In fact, she’s actively attempting to reverse engineer it in her kitchen so she can make it at home. Editor’s Note to Self: Buy gouda. (I’m not doing that because I get about 80% of my meals from drive-thrus, but hey maybe someday I’ll become an adult!) 

Brat Rangoon – WurstBar

This sounds weird, but I’m just going to say it. I was not expecting the creaminess of the brat. I guess in my head, I thought this Rangoon would be filled with something closer to brat bits or light ground brat, something a little more solid. In retrospect that was dumb of me because there’s cream cheese mixed in, which obviously makes it a bit more of a mash. But yeah, the creaminess was a shock to me. It brought to mind images of a blender full of five or six brats, whirring into a thick and juicy brat fluid. This image was not welcome in my head, which is already overrun with unwelcome images (God, I wish I’d never seen Great Uncle Jerry in his speedo … but that’s a story for another day.) 

This one was spicier than the burger, I thought, and the kick was surprisingly welcome. I can see why the Sporkies judges gave this second place, but frankly, I was still a little weirded out by the liquification of the brat. 

We were now halfway through the Sporkies, and I was growing increasingly sweaty and confused, but I refused to be deterred by such considerations as health or common sense. I forged on. 

 S’mores Churro Fries – Saz’s BBQ

They give you so many churro fries. Oh my God. It’s overwhelming, the amount of churro fries. Sharing is a must. And this brings us to an issue that was starting to make itself known right about now, which is that a person really shouldn’t eat this much food of this wide a variety this quickly. But I couldn’t stop myself, especially when I tasted this sweet treat. As I chomped on my fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh churro fry, drenched in marshmallow crème, chocolate sauce and crushed graham crackers, my stomach started to rebel.

“Archer, what are you doing?” it said.

“Shut up,” I responded.

“Don’t tell me to shut up. You’re creating a culinary monster inside yourself, and you will pay for your hubris,” it said.

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” my spleen said.

“No one’s talking to you, spleen boy,” my stomach said.

“No one’s ever talking to me. I’m tired of it,” my spleen said. “Why am I never enough?”

“Stomach didn’t mean it like that,” I said. “We all appreciate you, Spleen, even if sometimes I don’t quite remember what it is you actually do.”

“Thanks, man,” my spleen said. “You should probably get this article back on track though. Having your organs talk to each other for this long is pretty off-putting.”

“Good point,” I said.

Mexican Street Corn Pizza – Charlie’s Pizza

This pizza’s cornier than my jokes. I could have guessed that from looking at the bright yellow slice – but you don’t quite realize how powerful the corn actually is until you eat it. This pizza topped crust to tip in street corn, mozzarella and spicy mayo was one of the most interesting of the Sporkies. The corn flavor and texture hits like a surprise when you take that first bite. It was unexpected, and I thought enjoyable. And the Sporkies judges were big fans – it took third place. 

Brianna, unfortunately, was suffering in a way I’ve never seen before. (Which is really saying something because she’s seen me sing karaoke.) She was not a huge fan of the corn and felt the pizza lacked a flavorful center, a robust body if you will. Editor’s Note: Suffering isn’t strong enough of a word. I may never eat corn again. It’s not personal, I just hit a breaking point at this moment in our journey. 

A Hunk A Hunk Fat Elvis Donut Ice Cream Sandwich – Badger Bites

You know what really hits the spot after eating a pretzel-and-pepperoni-wrapped brat, a double-patty smashburger, hot bananas, four rangoons filled with liquified brat, ten chocolate-and-marshmallow-covered churros, and a slice of pizza coverd in corn?

A donut ice cream sandwich. 

I think I stared at this Sporkie for at least ten, twenty minutes before I took a bite. Brianna was definitely starting to hallucinate. The stomach-mind connection was making itself known in painful ways. Like everyone who agrees to spend time with me, she’d made a bad decision. Editor’s Note: Yup, I still don’t know how he convinced me to do this. 

“I don’t know what’s happening to me,” she whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek. “What have we done?” 

“Journalism,” I said and took another big ol’ donut bite. The ice cream was quite nice, cooling, refreshing. I also liked the bacon on top of the donut – a kick of salt that livened up the whole experience. The donut though, I thought was a little dry, and I found myself chewing it more than I’d like.

Now at this point, there was a low-level tragedy. That tragedy was that I can’t count. I assured Brianna that we were done eating an excessive amount of food, finished off the donut … and then realized that we’d missed one of the finalists. There was still one more Sporkie left to conquer. And there was no way I was leaving without trying every single dang one.

Editor’s note: I don’t think Archer explained the weight of this tragedy quite enough. The sudden realization that this donut was not the final Sporkie, and the fact that the real final Sporkie included not one but two sausages. … It was too much for me. I let out a literal howl and tears streamed down my face. I’m not kidding.

Blueberry Breakfast Sandwich – Milwaukee Brat House

What existed inside me now was a sort of seven-layer salad from hell – savory and sweet and strange and saccharine and saucy. And I was about to top it off with a breakfast sandwich and a heaping puddle of syrup. Inside the Wisconsin Products Pavilion, I bought this blueberry sausage concoction. It was akin to a sausage taco, with a flapjack shell and bourbon bacon jam as a topping. Editor’s note: I’m shaking my head as I recount this. I have not recovered.

And it was great! The mix was rich and flavorful, the sweet jam presenting a vibrant contrast to the savory sausage.  If I hadn’t already eaten an ungodly amount of calories before this, I would have gone back for seconds.

So ended my Sporkies journey. I limped bloated and sunburnt back to the parking lot, sweat dripping from my brow and corn-scented burps escaping from my lips, proud to have made my trek through that land of the delicious and strange, to have conquered every Sporkie and known every flavor, and with a firm and unyielding resolve I vowed to immediately pop some Tums.