A Living Statue Steps in for the Bronze Fonz
This week, while the Bronze Fonz’ disappearance continues to haunt Milwaukee, one of our many living statues jumped at the opportunity to replace the beloved monument. Alice Wilson, who’s performed at Summerfest, Bastille Days and other local festivals stepped on to the Fonz’ pedestal and performed on Monday.
This was a nice, fun story, but I have to say I’m still a little bitter about my own failed career as a living statue. The living statue community blackballed me out of the business. It’s all politics, man. “You can’t pretend to be a statue in a public restroom, ok? That’s not cool. You’re scaring people. You’re going to get arrested.” What a bunch of BS.
A Wisconsin Couple Wins the $316.3 Million Powerball
When I first wrote this headline, I rounded the dollar amount down to $316 million and then realized that the rounded down $0.3 million represents over seven times what I make in an entire year. After a brief crying spell, I added the “.3” back to “316” and started thinking how crazy this amount of money is. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes sold their Los Angeles home last year for $4.913 million. You could buy over 60 Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes houses with this money.
But the winning couple, Cliff and Tammy Webster of Onedia, opted for the $225.1 million cash winnings option, and then Uncle Sam did something that is illegal in at least twelve states to them, so they’re actually walking away from their win with $153.9 million. Unfortunately, that means only 31 Ryan Gosling/Eva Mendes houses for them.
Downtown’s Getting a New Restaurant
The latest restaurant to come to Downtown was announced on Thursday – The Wolf on Broadway, from the folks at Uncle Wolfie’s Breakfast Tavern. There’s an easy joke here about actual wolves on Broadway, or like, eating your food like a rabid wolf, but we’re not about those easy jokes. No, sir. When this column brings the comedy, it brings it sophisticated, boundary pushing and fiercely intelligent. Try this sucker on for size:
You’re eating at The Wolf on Broadway? I sure hope it tastes better than The Dead Gopher on Broadway that I ate last week.
That joke was about eating roadkill.
Do you see that envelope over there? Yeah, it just got pushed.
A Woman Is Trying to Make a Hobbiton-Themed Bed and Breakfast in Southeast Wisconsin
The Lord of the Rings is unmatched in its greatness. This is an opinion I will stand by to the end. I’ve been on the Tolkien Train since 2000, when as a four-year-old, my mother read me The Hobbit. When I revisit every other series I loved as a kid, I see the flaws in it that my childish eyes missed. But not The Lord of the Rings. In fact, when I read it again as an adult, it proved to be even better than I realized. The depth of the material is astounding. It’s an accomplishment in storytelling that I don’t think will ever be topped.
So anyway, I pretty much just used this Milwaukee Record story about a Hobbiton-themed B&B possibly coming to Wisconsin as an excuse to talk about how much I like The Lord of the Rings. I’m not sorry about that. Also, I would go to that B&B in a heartbeat.
The Olympics, I Guess.
This week, we published a story about Wisconsinites competing in the Olympics. My first thought on seeing that story was … wait … are the Olympics happening? Right now? The real ones, or like the South Jersey Wingnut Tossing Olympics? Well, it turns out the real winter Olympics are actually happening right now. Huh. At first, I thought maybe it was just my apathy toward sports that made me unaware, so as a super-scientific test of Olympic relevance I mentioned the event to several people. They all reacted almost exactly the same way. “The Olympics? Oh yeah, those things. When do they start? They’re already happening? Oh. Weird.” So I’m starting to think that the Olympics, once a cornerstone of American entertainment and national pride, are going the way of Blockbuster Video and bell bottoms. For what it’s worth, I’ll still watch curling.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
Paczki Presale
Milwaukee’s favorite Polish pastry is in season again. This weekend, The Polish Center of Wisconsin put Paczki on presale for Mardi Gras, with a deadline of Feb. 22 to get your orders in. You might be wondering why this is in the Downs column? What’s so bad about a delicious pastry that Milwaukeeans love? Well, two reasons. The first – and if we’re being honest, only – reason is that I had trouble finding funny stories to put in the Downs column this week. The second reason is that every time I’ve ever tried to pronounce Paczki, I’ve made a fool of myself. People tell me it’s just “punch-key,” but somehow those Polish sounds just don’t want to come out of my Italian face. And so I will nurse a grudge against this word that makes me stammer and slur until someday I learn to grasp it.
