World’s Largest Bounce House
Bounce houses are to grown adults, what brownies are to a dieter. You see it, you think, “I shouldn’t,” and then you do. You could be a 38-year-old grown man with a six-figure job, a newly-pressed suit, two kids, and a wife who doesn’t love him, and even then, you’ll get that childishly joyous urge to bounce. It’s irresistible. Well, unless there’s a bunch of annoying kids. Or a DJ. So good news and bad news. The world’s largest bounce house will be at the Waukesha County Expo Center this summer from Aug. 13-15. There will be a bunch of annoying kids. And a DJ. But there are also adult-only sessions in the bounce house, so if you’re feeling that urge, this might the time to give in.
Sausage-Themed Beer
Five local breweries joined together this week to craft a limited series brew in honor of the sacred meal of our forefathers – the sausage. Brainchild of 1840 Brewing Co.’s founder Kyle Vetter, this project led to a limited five-pack available this Fourth of July weekend: Chorizo, Hot Dog, Bratwurst, Italian and Polish-style beers. Each beer is a different style made by a different brewery. Personally, I believe that any God-fearing American should know that the hot dog is the greatest of all the meats. You take the dangly bits and the hindquarters of the beasts of the field, grind it all up into meat-paste, and encase it in a mysterious sausage of unimaginable deliciousness. Could a mere beer ever pay tribute to such greatness? I have my doubts, but I am more than willing to give it a try.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
Deer-Tackling
A deer got loose in a Baraboo Walmart, and a lady bodied it. When I tell people that Wisconsinites are a hearty people, this is the type of thing I’m referring to. She sees a deer and doesn’t run, doesn’t hide. No, she thinks, “Clobberin’ time,” and brings that sucker to the ground and holds it safely until her co-workers can get a door open and release it back into nature. Beautiful.
Teen Drivers in Wisconsin Have to Take Road Tests Again
That’s goddang right, you do! Listen here, you ungrateful young people. When I was your age, the state Department of Transportation wasn’t “waiving” road tests just because of some “worldwide pandemic.” I had to walk uphill to the DMV with two broken amygdalas and a case of halitosis. They didn’t care. They made me parallel park thirty times with my eyes closed, and they still didn’t give me my license. Not until I washed every car in that parking lot with spit and a gym sock, and those suckers sparkled let me tell you. Only then did I get a license. And it was printed on the back of a used hankie, not on plastic like you pampered brats. So yeah, I’m happy that the DMV is finally bringing back road tests for you teeny-boppers. Maybe it’ll finally teach you kids some goddang respect.
St. Joseph Catholic Academy Wins Division 3 State Baseball Championships
Is this important Milwaukee news? No. Would I normally ever include a high school baseball team winning the state championship in this roundup? No, I would not. Am I only doing it because I went to St. Joe’s? Yes. Yes, I am. Many years ago, I had an illustrious career playing baseball for this crew. One time I almost caught a pop fly.
Giannis is Down
Joe Biden Visits La Crosse
Big Joey Biden, known in the streets as The Scranton Scrapper, came to Wisconsin this week. Now I’m not here to make any political points. Politics-wise, I’m something akin to an anarcho-wizard-psychosexual-theocrat (There are three of us. We meet at Reggie’s on Tuesdays for pizza). But that’s not why I put this in the Down column. Normally I’m perfectly content when political figures visit us, but this time’s different. Joe Biden and I have FDA-certified grade A corn-fed beef, baby. I am not happy with Big Papa Joe Joe. This all started last year, when the DNC was planned for Milwaukee. I wrote a letter to Biden, published in print, imploring him to visit some cool spots in Milwaukee. It was a nice letter, a fun letter, a gesture of goodwill. Then Biden canceled, and the DNC became some virtual nonsense. Not so much as an apology. So I wrote another letter, addressing his cancellation. No response. And then finally, when Joe was elected prez, he came to Milwaukee for a town hall. I thought, “Heck, he must be coming to stop by Milwaukee Mag and apologize for ignoring me.” I published a third letter for the magazine. Nothing. What could he possibly be doing that he’s too busy to respond to the relentless and frankly alarming letters of a tiny, angry Wisconsin man with an English degree? Whatever it is, he must still have time to go to La Crosse. I get the message. No more letters from me. No, sir. I’m over it, Joe. I’ve moved on. Say goodbye because I’m not coming back. Kiss goodbye to this guy. Adios. Hasta la vista. So long, Mr. President. Done. Finito. No more! … Although still, you know, I’ve noticed you haven’t filled that ambassador to Denmark position yet. You have my number.
