OK Then Joe Biden, Here’s Your Guide to NOT Visiting Milwaukee

Since you rendered our first letter irrelevant, we wrote you a new one.

DEAR JOE, 

Seriously? Are you trying to hurt us? Because if so, you’ve succeeded. We Milwaukeeans put on a tough face with our hearty winters and post-industrial grit, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, man.

I went out there and put my heart on the line for you with my last letter, and you just came in like two days later and stomped all over it.

Here, I’ll reenact it for you:

Me: “Hey, Mr. Biden – my name’s Archer, and I work for Milwaukee Magazine, and we sure love our city, and we’re happy to have you here for the DNC, and so we wrote you this whimsical, lighthearted letter with plenty of fun stuff for you to do while you’re here.”

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You: “Hey, short stuff. Shove it.”

First off, Joe, five foot eight is not short. It’s average. Zac Efron is five foot eight.

Second off, we were really looking forward to something nice for Milwaukee in these dark times. Honestly, you coming to our city, even in the diminished convention form, would have been a national moment, an economic boon, a brief but memorable time for us to demonstrate that we’re a damn fine city and not just a rust belt beer bonanza cheese factory that the important people only care about when we don’t vote the way you want.

Woo-boy. Getting worked up. Sorry. It’s just that the rug was pulled out from us real bad last week, when the DNC announced that literally no one was coming here, you included, and that the convention would just be, in essence, a bunch of Zoom calls. We went from the main stage for 50,000 people to a place where maybe a couple guys will be on a laptop in just a few months.

If we ask nicely, could you say “Milwaukee” a couple times in your speech? At this point, that would be a win for us. Maybe, if you’re really feeling it, you could say “Miltown” or “Cream City” or even give a shout out to the folks in “the 414.”

Well … not much more I can say. Reporting-wise, our specialty is stuff to do in Milwaukee, not stuff to do in Joe Biden’s house, so we no longer have anything to offer you.

I’m sorry it went down like this, but hey, there is some truth to the Midwest Nice stereotype, so after this somewhat disgruntled letter, we’ll get back to trudging along stoically with a smile and a brew.

CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE, HOMESLICE.

ARCHER PARQUETTE

P.S. Seriously though, my diplomacy skills are off the charts. I’m thinking ambassador to Italy or maybe Norway (I heard it’s beautiful in the springtime).  My people will call yours.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.