Dear Nikol,
I am a 37-year-old married dad with 3 kids. I will cut right to the chase. My relationship with my wife has been not the best lately and we have 2 kids with special needs, which is challenging. As a result, her sex drive and energy level is very low. I have been somewhat obsessed lately with sleeping with someone outside of my marriage. I have been on craigslist, AshelyMadison, Adult Friendfinder and talking with women.
I really care about my wife and my kids but jerking off is just not cutting it for me. Am I nuts to think that I can get a little on the side once in a while and she won’t find out, I will be happier and everything will be ok. I really don’t think she would go for an open marriage but has hinted that I need to do what I need to do but I don’t think she really wants that.
– Is It Cheating?
Dear Is It Cheating,
Dang, son, you’re pretty much already cheating. With affairs we make a choice, and that choice is made well before we have sex with anyone else. The process begins the moment you move from thinking about a thing to acting on it in ways like chatting with people online, looking at profiles, calling people, and in some cases spending time with a friend you are attracted to, divulging information about your marital problems to that other person.
Now you need to prioritize. Before you take this one step further you have to figure out how important it is to you to have an affair outside of your marriage. Then you need to figure out how important your marriage itself is, because any way you slice it, the right thing to do is to talk to your wife about this before it happens.
Should your wife be firmly against the idea of you sleeping with someone else, it is not okay for you to remain married to her and still go ahead with an affair. That doesn’t mean you need to live in a sexless marriage, though. If your issue really is that she has been tired and not in the mood (and not just that you feel like putting your penis into new territory) it is more than okay for you to demand that that two of you seek sex therapy.
Too often we forgot that sex is an important thing to people, and that it’s okay for it to be important. It’s a natural and fantastic way to be intimate with someone else. In marriage, sex is often turned into a joke as the years together increase and the frequency of the sex decreases. If that decrease isn’t something you are alright with, the two of you need to seek outside help. Simple as that. And no, they won’t hypnotize your wife and turn her into a sexual maniac. They’ll actually work with both of you to strike a balance.
Should your wife be in favor of you seeking a little bit of lovin outside the marriage, I still advise therapy. You’re treading new ground and issues like leaving her at home with your three children while you go out and get some are sure to bring up some feelings you’ll both need help understanding. And don’t suggest to her that she find someone else, too. That’s a ploy people use to make themselves feel better about their desires to stray. If she comes to that on her own, you’ll need to talk about that as well to be sure it’s something she wants, and not just because she’s hurting.
Open marriages are sticky subjects for everyone involved. You have children to think about, and they require most of your energy anyway. So, tread carefully, be smart, and please, don’t go lurking around cheating sites anymore. I’ve never heard of a single case of that turning out well.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
