Dear Nikol,
I don’t need advice about anything I’m going through right now, but in general do you think it is possible to fall in love with someone before you have sex with them? Or really, how long does it take to fall in love with someone?
– The Power of Love
Dear PoL,
Interesting question, because even though I thought I knew the answer, I keep backtracking and coming up with other conclusions that completely contradict my first answer. I guess that’s because when it comes to love, there are no hard and fast answers. I’ve never fallen in love the same way twice, and I love that about love.
Is it possible to fall in love without sex? There are actually couples who marry or live together and are completely asexual. They have no sexual desire, yet they love each other just the same. So, it is possible. It’s just not possible for everyone. In my personal experience, and in the experience of most people I’ve spoken to on the matter, they can begin to feel something, and that feeling can grow to a certain point, but physical intimacy is an important component of the whole experience we call love.
That’s why so many relationships fizzle out if the couple isn’t sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility has to do with so many things, too. Libido, body shapes, even the way we smell; no two people fit together the same. And when you find someone you fit well with, it can be a magical thing. And this is where things get even more confusing. Sometimes sexual compatibility can trick us into feeling like we’re in love with another person. However, there’s all sorts of stuff like respect, sense of humor, how they put the toilet paper roll back onto the holder; no two people interact the same.
As for how long it takes, I think it’s possible to love a person in a very short time, and that over time that love will turn into different things. What’s important to remember, especially in a relationship, is that when that love hits sleepy patches, as love often does, it doesn’t mean it’s dead. So, take your time. Let yourself fall in love however it happens and at whatever speed. There’s no good science to this stuff.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
