Dear Nikol,
I am hopeless at dating. I am so, so good at being friends. Then one we start dating I get way uncool. Like, I can’t control it or something and I start to not even be funny anymore. I sit there and only the dumbest things come out of my mouth. Sometimes I even do and say crazy stuff that I would normally make fun of girls for doing. Of course, that leaves my boyfriend wondering what the hell happened to the girl he started dating and was really into and thought was cool. I wonder what happened to her, too. Where does she go?
– Not So Cool
Dear Not So Cool,
Every once in a while I get a question and I want to reply, “Excellent question. When you figure out the answer, give me a call, because it would sure be helpful in my own life.”
Here’s what a male friend of mine once told me. During the course of a heterosexual relationship, the woman is at her worst at the beginning. The man is at his worst once things even out with the woman. This has something to do with being insane or not listening or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t listening to the next part.
Women are generally more into testing people than men are, and we have gotten so used to it that we test subconsciously. Once a mate shows interest in us for more than just a short term fling, we start to wonder how stable that interest is. In the process we find ourselves acting in all sorts of weird ways. If we notice ourselves doing it we panic and it’s like when you’re thinking about how you can’t sleep but you have to sleep and you get so worked up over it that you lay awake all night. Only in this case you start to think you are going to push someone away by acting crazy, and that makes you act more crazy and then? Prophecy self fulfilled.
As for the general un-coolness, you’re also psyching yourself into that. I have friends who are really cool to hang out with one on one, then we get around a group of people and they become social idiots because they’re too nervous to just let themselves be mellow. At one point in time you’re not nervous, and you can be your charming and lovely self. When you make the transition to something more serious the pressure increases and you get too freaked out to act like yourself.
Or, maybe you’re actually just an annoying person and you can only maintain being cool for short periods of time because it’s a big, phony act. In which case, just find yourself an equally annoying boyfriend and you can be that couple.
Seriously, though, next time you find yourself in that spot, maybe giving voice to it will be useful. If you’re a naturally cool chick, it’s totally alright to say to a new boyfriend, “I don’t know what comes over me, but I start acting like a total spazz face sometimes.” Just speaking it and laying it out there can be enough so that you two can be relaxed about it and maybe even laugh about it, thereby restoring that coolness.
If that works, please let me know. Maybe I’ll give it a try myself.
– Nikol
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