Dear Nikol,
I’ve been finding that, after leaving a relationship of a year and a half, the field has changed. Maybe it’s just me but it seems as if all the guys who have been interested in me lately follow the same pattern: flirting with my personality for a week, trying to get in my pants for a week, and then after we make some plans – nothing.
It’s not as if they ignore me, but they dial the cuteness factor way down and only instigate conversation if they’re horny. This all pretty much leaves me just enough time to develop crushes on these guys, only for them to turn into solid walls of anti-emotion as soon as we make plans.
I guess my question is: what the hell? Does this happen a lot or am I just unlucky? And if it does happen a lot, where is the logic!?
– Unlucky in Love?
Dear Unlucky,
Oh, crap. You’re stuck in the Internet. While you didn’t tell me you’re online dating, it’s very clear the exchanges you are having with these men are online. You flirt, you talk about sex, and then you make plans and never meet up.
Yeah. That happens a lot. Sorry. It has nothing at all to do with logic, it’s just the Internet’s amazing ability to offer more more more without really needing to do too much. Each time you meet someone new there seems to be an instant desire to know everything you can know about that person. Most people even Google each other and add each other on Facebook first thing, sifting through everything on the Internet while falling in Internet love with this new personality.
Once the sexy talk starts, things can seem even more passionate. Everything seems hotter when you don’t know what a person sounds like when they snore or looks like when they’ve just had teeth pulled. This relationship newness used to happen face to face, over the course of several dates or even months.
Factor into this the constant availability. A lot of people have jobs that allow them to be on the computer all day. And with texting it is possible to talk to a person throughout the day. Because of this we get super doses of sensuality, flirtation, charm, witty banter; so much LOL-ing and smiley kissy faces that it seems like we’ve known each other for much longer.
It’s no wonder that once it comes time to meet in person, things get a little bit less exciting. Even if this is a person you met someplace other than the Internet, if you’ve corresponded online, in calls, and in texts, the prospect of getting together seems lackluster compared to the intensity of the time you’ve already spent communicating.
So, it’s not you. You’re right that the game has changed. The only way to deal with this is to change the game back to be better for you. Should you find someone on a dating site whom you are interested in, set some ground rules:
1. No adding each other to social networks until you’ve gone out a few times.
2. Do not chat online with the person more than once (and casually) before you go on a date.
3. No Googling. I mean it. Just resist the temptation.
4. Keep texts limited, both outgoing and incoming.
With all of these rules, explain yourself. Let the person know that you want things to happen naturally, and would much rather get to know them in person than spend a lot of time online forming a relationship with their typing.
Ultimately, it can be scary to be back out there after a long-term relationship. You may feel like you’re waiting forever for something to happen. Keep in mind that you will meet someone who you’ll gel with, and remember that the Internet makes that plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea thing become too many fish in the sea. Quality still exists. I promise. And that is exactly what I tell myself every day so I don’t lose my mind.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com or by clicking here. Your anonymity will be protected.
