If Milwaukee Were a Movie, Here’s What it Would be About

Our vision of a Brew City blockbuster, as directed by Michael Bay.

By Ann Christenson and Claire Hanan


The year is 2030. The setting is, of course, Milwaukee. The city’s power players and visionaries have come together to toast the latest addition to the Downtown skyline, a towering new foosball arena designed by Frank Gehry. Schmoozing, ribbon-cutting and self-congratulatory behavior commence. A DJ plays “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” as furry mascots – a Panther! A Golden Eagle! A sausage with legs! – perform a choreographed routine.

But then, a noise. A huge blast ripples through the arena. The floor trembles, and pieces of the ceiling tumble onto the bluish-green playing field. The plastic players, affixed to enormous rods, wiggle ominously, and as the dust begins to settle, the Notables wander outside and into a smoky haze. A strange buzzing can be heard throughout the twilit sky as our heroes gape upward at a long shadow behind the clouds, a shadow large enough to spread from Cudahy to Mequon.

And as the clouds begin to part, their predicament becomes clear: It will be up to them, the movers and shakers, the chosen few, to save the city from Hank, that dirigible-piloting cyber-mascot gone wrong …


  • Hank the Dog as himself
  • Samuel L. Jackson as Sheriff David A. Clarke Jr.
  • Mister Ed as the Sheriff’s horse
  • Vin Diesel as Jason Kidd
  • Steve Martin as Mayor Tom Barrett


Photos by Shutterstock.
Photos by Shutterstock. Click to enlarge.

Left to right:

  • Michelle Rodriguez as Christine Neumann-Ortiz
  • Tiffani Thiessen as Rebecca Kleefisch
  • Steve Carell as Scott Walker
  • Adrian Grenier as Ryan Braun
  • Katie Couric (with a haircut) as Kathy Mykleby
  • Melina Kanakaredes as Marina Dimitrijevic

‘Milwaukee, The Movie’ appears in the June, 2015 issue of Milwaukee Magazine.
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Ann Christenson has covered dining for Milwaukee Magazine since 1997. She was raised on a diet of casseroles that started with a pound of ground beef and a can of Campbell's soup. Feel free to share any casserole recipes with her.