WHEN I TALK TO people about sex, and I ask, “Have you considered using more lube?” or changing the condom brand, or “Have you considered a cock ring?” they almost always reply, “I’m afraid if I bring it up it’s going to ruin the moment.”
We’re always worrying about this, that we’re going to “ruin the moment.”
Communication shouldn’t ruin sex. Communication isn’t going to ruin sex.
The thing about being sex positive is that it really comes down to “being OK” with this really broad spectrum of the expression of human sexuality.
There can be things that appeal to you that don’t appeal to me, and that’s totally OK, so long as we remember that anything adults participate in consensually is OK.
For most humans, sex is a normal, healthy part of our life. But it takes a long time to undress all of the layers our culture puts on top of us.
We have this idea that monogamy is this ultimate goal, and it doesn’t have to be. For a lot of people, they realize a monogamous life isn’t what they want. But then they end up helping themselves to a lot of shame, asking themselves, “Does it make me slutty, or a bad girlfriend or a bad boyfriend, if I don’t want monogamy?”
We’re always afraid of being a bad person because of wanting what we want. There are multiple ways for relationships to be, and they all can be really beautiful.
It would be really beautiful if more people had a goal of experiencing what they want to experience, without worrying about this bigger moral implication.
A couple recommendations from a expert
On the toy front, our sexpert recommends the Smartball, a small weight that strengthens the muscles of the vagina and pelvic floor – basically training your body for powerful orgasms. And for essential reading, she suggests Ask: Building Consent Culture, an anthology edited by Kitty Stryker. “Consent is the single most important component of every sexual interaction,” Tomaszek says.