Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Oct. 1

Animatronic dinosaurs, sinkholes, award-winning beards and more

Animatronic Dinosaurs Invade Wisconsin

Adulthood comes with quite a few bonuses. You can drive. You can pick out your own clothes. You don’t pee yourself as often. But sometimes, the desire to be a kid again hits hard, such as when you read that the Wisconsin Center is going to host Jurassic Quest, a traveling show with over 100 animatronic dinosaurs. It includes rides, interactive exhibits and moving, roaring dinosaurs. Man, I would have loved that as a kid, and I’m not going to lie, I would kind of love it now. Would it be weird if a grown man showed up alone to a children’s exhibit? I wouldn’t even need to actually go on any rides, I’d just stand quietly in the corner and … OK, yeah, never mind.

Repairing the Oak Leaf Trail Sinkhole

In 2019, a hole of sink formed on the Oak Leaf Trail. The section between Silver Spring Drive and Bender Road is likely to collapse if not repaired before this winter, so in response, the County board made it rain in the club. By which I mean, they approved the allocation of $689,000 dollars in county funds to repair the sinkhole.

UPAF Raises Over 10 Million

The United Performing Arts Fund just finished up its 2021 fundraising campaign, and they raked in $10,148,461 which will be distributed to performing arts groups in Milwaukee. After how hard the arts got hit by COVID, this is some solid news, but I would be lying if my first thought wasn’t how I could get my hands on that money. I’ve always considered myself something of an artist, a poet you might say.

Words are like turds from birds and nerds eating curds, how absurd.

See? This is art that needs funding, people!

The Most Talented Beard in America

Ben Tajnai is best known around here as the fella who sings the national anthem at Bucks games. He earned a reputation as a “good-luck charm” for the team after singing at multiple wins. But we’ve been too focused on his singing to see what was happening right beneath our noses. Or, more accurately, his nose.  

I’d just like to pause to sincerely apologize. That joke … that was not a good joke. I’m ashamed of myself, honestly. I’ve spoken to close family and friends about this, and they’ve told me that I need to take responsibility for what I’ve done. I fully accept the blame and consequences that come with telling a joke that corny and I understand that I’ve let down everyone who cares about me, and all I can do is promise to work my hardest to be better in the future.

Tajnai is now a top 10 finalist in The Most Talented Beard in America contest. You can vote for him up until Oct. 10 and crown Milwaukee’s singing son the King of Beards. And if you think this is some small fries joke contest, it really isn’t. The winner gets $20,000 dollars. No kidding. To put that in perspective, that’s 1,333 copies of Willie Nelson’s autobiography It’s a Long Story: My Life. Do you have any idea how much you could do with 1,333 copies of Willie Nelson’s autobiography It’s a Long Story: My Life? The possibilities are endless.

Milwaukee Drunk Dials the Democratic National Convention on a Lonely Night

“Hey, uh … hey, I’m sorry to, uh, call you this late. I’ve just, you know, *belch* … excuse me. You’re not answering your phone. I guess you must be out having fun, probably with some other city. I was just thinking that there was something special between us, right? Remember all the plans we had? You were going to bring 50,000 people here, and I was going to put on such a show for you. Packed hotels, lines down the block. And then you stopped returning my calls. You said it was going to be an in-person convention, and then a partly in-person convention, and then not even Joe Biden showed up. COVID, sure, I get it, but you didn’t even say goodbye. Why? I know I’m not the flashiest city. Maybe Chicago has bigger muscles than me (steroids, if you weren’t aware) and New York has more money (all inheritance, by the way), and yeah, we’ve all heard the rumors about Dallas (I’ve been in a locker room with the guy – he’s overrated). But I have heart. Why was I never good enough for you? Please come back. I don’t care if I have to wait until 2024. I want you here in Milwaukee’s arms, DNC. I’ll do whatever it takes. Call *belch* call me.”

Brewed Café Closes

Another story to file under “Sadness.” Brewed Café on Brady Street, which has been there for 12 years, is closing on Sunday. I had been hopeful that these closing stories would slow down at some point, but clearly not yet.  

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.