Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: July 23

Sports, seltzer and stolen golf carts this week in MKE.

Lieutenant Dangle Comes to Lake Geneva

While everyone was all excited about sports, this real awesome news just slipped under the radar. Lieutenant Jim Dangle, a decorated officer from the Reno Sheriff’s Department is working at the Walmart in Lake Geneva Friday from 1-3 p.m. As a “guest cashier,” he’ll be raising money for Children’s Wisconsin.

Dangle has been a personal hero of mine for some time now – I’ve long-admired his heroism under fire, his leadership, his mustache and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve modeled my own career after his. This may or may not have led to my being fired from eight different jobs for wearing “pornographically tiny shorts,” but that was a small price to pay.

If you’re not aware of Dangle and his heroism, check out the series Reno 911!. Fair warning – there’s this conspiracy theory that Dangle’s actually a character played by Thomas Lennon. I know this isn’t true.  You know why? Because I met Thomas Lennon once, and he said, “No, of course I’m not Jim Dangle. I’m an actor, idiot. Security! Can someone please get this man off me.” So there you go. 

The Oriental Theatre is Reopening

There’s nothing better than sitting down in a dark movie theater and kicking back with the screen lit up and a bag of popcorn by your side – just ask Pee-Wee Herman. With major film companies seemingly intent on screwing movie theaters out of business (A torrent of Black Widow is just a few clicks away), it’s nice to see one of Milwaukee’s most iconic theaters finally coming back after over a year. The Oriental is re-opening on Aug. 20, and on top of that, they’ve poured millions of dollars into restoring the venue, so you can really feel the 1920s vibe. Well, just call me Calvin Coolidge, baby, because I’m about to roll back regulations and institute a more stringent farm subsidies distribution process up in this sucker.  

Seltzer Fest

As an extremely insecure man, I only drink black coffee, straight whiskey and the blood that get in my mouth after I beat down a punk. Hell yeah. I’m very masculine. No one can say I’m not. Or I’ll beat them with my masculine fists.

But, well, maybe if I were to hypothetically really enjoy hard seltzer (particularly ruby grapefruit, which is scrumptious), I would be pretty psyched about Milwaukee’s first ever Seltzer Fest this Sunday. It’s going down at Boone & Crocket, where you’ll be able to sample 30 different seltzers for an admission fee of $40. You won’t see me there though. I’ll be too busy riding motorcycles and eating wrenches like a real man (but maybe save a ruby grapefruit).

 

 

Are We Forgetting Something?

Oh, yeah – Bucks in Six. Enough said. 

Rats in Waukesha

This story is infuriating. Waukesha is overrun with rats. I can’t believe my ears. Thirty years, I’ve been in this business, and never have I seen this many dirty rat bastards running around. Witness protection this, federal deal that. First Big Vinnie, then Little Vinnie, then Paulie Cashews and Chrissie Galoomph. May they rot in hell. There used to be a time this thing of ours meant something. There was honor in it. We took an oath, burned a saint. Now, every schmuck would sell out his own mother to knock a few days off a sentence. Nothing means nothing no more. Disgraziata!

Oh wait, this story’s about literal rats. There are six-inch rats all over Waukesha. I probably should have read the article and not just the headline before mouthing off. Um … I’d like to just say that I’m in the perfectly above-board waste management business.

The Golf Cart Bandit Strikes Again

Unpunished crime – it’s like dating a girl who’s four inches taller than you. I mean, it’s not that bad really, but like … what are you laughing at? What? Oh, damn it, I asked her not to wear heels.

It’s embarrassing. And the most recent example of unpunished crime in the 414 is the Case of the Golf Cart Bandit. Someone’s been roving through Milwaukee County parks stealing golf carts, lots of them. Four were taken from Lincoln Park and then eight from Hansen in Wauwatosa. The Lincoln Park carts were safely recovered, thank God, after the police chased the thief down, forcing him to ditch his stolen rides. But the thief (or possibly thieves) remain(s) at large. Police are trying to identify a “gray-haired white male” involved in the theft, which begs the obvious question:

Is there an old dude out there jacking golf carts? Is this retirement hooliganism? Harold tells his wife he’s going out to walk around the mall, and then he pops a 40-ounce, hot wires a golf cart and joy rides the streets with his side chick Gertrude? Geriatric delinquents, they’re the scourge of our times.

Aaron Rodgers Won’t Extend His Contract

In the same hour came forth fingers of a man’s hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaster of the wall of the king’s palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote. Then the king’s countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.”

Well let me tell you, the joints of my loins sure as heck were loosed when I read the writing on the wall with Aaron Rodgers. He’s been flipping the Packers the bird ever since losing the NFC Championship – making negative comments, not going to minicamp – and now it’s really gone down. Rodgers declined his contract extension with the Packers. The news got buried under the joyous screams of “Bucks in Six,” but while we celebrate the victory of one local team, we might be witnessing the downfall of another.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.