Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Aug. 27

Tom Barrett’s headed to Luxembourg, mosquitoes are everywhere and Shorewood is getting a new restaurant.

The Brady Street Pet Parade Returns

We got four Downs this week, so let’s start out by enjoying what little good news there is. After going virtual last year, the Brady Street Pet Parade announced that it’s returning in person on Oct. 3. There will be pets galore on Brady, and besides parading, they’ll also be competing in best costume, tail wagging, trick and owner lookalike contests. At the end of the parade, the one and only Father Tim Kitzke will also be blessing all the pets outside St. Rita’s Catholic Church. It sounds like a much needed joyous occasion. Sucks that I was banned two years ago. My pet was “frightening the children” and “disturbing the peace.” Actually, speaking of…

Shoebills Every Hour

Twitter is an awful place. Whenever I start scrolling, I inevitably read something that either depresses me, fills me with dread, or most often, infuriates me. “No, no, no,” I yell at the screen. “Your opinion dumb. Mine much smarter.” I begin to compose a 5,000-word response eruditely outlining my intellectual opponents dumbassery. Then I realize that I’m making a fool of myself and walk outside and stare at the sky for 10 minutes to reverse Twitter’s effects on my brain. But something happened this week. I found a Twitter account that is beautiful and almost makes up for the rest of the sewage on that site. It’s called Shoebills Every Hour. It has nothing to do with Milwaukee, and I apologize for the digression, but the people need to know. This account, like the name promises, tweets out a new picture of a shoebill stork every hour. No words. No opinions. Just shoebills. It’s glorious. Look at this.

A New ’60s Restaurant

Shorewood’s getting a new restaurant, Buttermint Finer Dining & Cocktails, which is planning to open this fall. The dinner and brunch joint is inspired by the early ’60s culinary scene. This has me especially excited because I’ve been re-watching “Mad Men.” When I first watched it in high school, I’ll admit I was underwhelmed. “Where’s the shooting? The stabbing? The meth? Literally zero people have been executed yet. What kind of show is this?” But now that I’m a big mature man about town, I’m really starting to get into it. Honestly, I’ve been trying to emulate Don Draper a little. Just the other day, I showed up to work drunk, stinking of cigarettes and the perfume of strange women, and demanded that my secretary be fired for her incompetence. I was told, “You don’t have a secretary. Go away,” but I know that’s just a negotiating tactic. With this Draper confidence, I’ll be on top in no time.

Photo courtesy of Buttermint Finer Dining & Cocktails

 

 

High Mosquito Activity

As I write this very sentence, my ankle is swollen, itchy and more inflamed than my great-uncle Jerry’s opinion on communists. A trio of bug bites hit just around the bone down there, perfectly clustered for maximum irritation. I was out working in the woods for nearly five straight hours last night, digging this hole for business purposes, and the bugs just feasted on me. I told Vinny to bring some spray, but he never listens. Well, it turns out the reason these mosquitoes have been so awful recently is that the heavy rains have led floodwater mosquitoes to lay their eggs in low-lying pools. Those eggs go from larva to full-grown adult in only a week or two. Then they start biting. Eastern Wisconsin has been getting it bad, and a UW entomologist told the Journal Sentinel that if these warm, wet conditions continue into the fall, then we could be dealing with mosquitoes all the way until the first frost. Fantastic.

So Many Cars Are Being Stolen in Wauwatosa, the Cops Are Giving Out Free Locks

How much are vehicle thefts up in ol’ Tosa. Twenty percent? Fifty percent? One hundred percent? That’s optimistic, my friend. Two hundred and seventy one percent – 130 thefts in 2021 so far. And it turns out that thieves love Hyundais and Kias. Some say its because of their vulnerability to theft, but others, namely me, think that thieves just appreciate reliability and frugality. Cars are depreciating assets. A decent engine will last you 15 years if you change the oil every 5,000 miles. Thieves know this. But anyway, both Hyundia and Kia, in partnership with the Milwaukee Police Department, are providing free steering wheel locks to owners of their cars. The locks are available at MPD stations, first come, first served. I always appreciate free stuff, but gotta say – this doesn’t seem like a good sign.

Outback Steakhouse Closes Its Only Northeast Wisconsin Location

Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through in the past 18 months, this has to happen? I don’t … man, I don’t know if I can even write this one. I just can’t believe it’s really gone. Where will I get my steak ‘n mate combos next time I’m in Northeastern Wisconsin? And what about the new bloomin’ bundles? Oh please God, I can’t even think about the Aussie party platters. 

Tom Barrett: The Next Ambassador to Luxembourg

Joe, for God’s sake, you’re just spitting in my face now. (And I only say “spitting” because this is a family-friendly publication). I write you three increasingly insane letters, and an Up/Down column expressing my totally reasonable desire for an ambassadorship, and not only do you not even bother responding to me – you go and nominate my mayor to be ambassador to Luxembourg instead. What kind of game are you playing, man? I got no problem with Tom – me and him go way back – but you’re nuts if you think he’d make a better ambassador than me. I’m well known as the best word man around, my international charms are très pimpy, and I’m extremely level-headed and diplomatic, you thoughtless jerk. Plus, I saw a movie with Luxembourg in it once. Casino Royale. Or was that Amsterdam? Whatever. This is an injustice, and I won’t stand for it.

Photo of Joe Biden courtesy of Creative Commons: Flickr by Gage Skidmore

Comments

comments

Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.