Arch4r’s Agenda. Screenplay. Draft 49. Part 3
INT. THE DARKNESS – BEYOND TIME
We stare into an abyss that stares also into us. Strange shapes and shadows twist within that eternal black. Like whales and flamingos and stuff, but all abyss-style. Somewhere in the midst of this scene of primordial nothingness, a voice echoes.
ARCHER
Oh God, what now?
There is no answer. Only darkness. Then, slowly, from that eternal shadow realm emerges the shade of a man.
ARCHER
If you’re a monster, you better back off. I’m a yellow belt in Kung-Fu!
The voice that answers is deep and gravelly.
THE VOICE FROM THE DARKNESS
Shut up, idiot.
ARCHER
Great Uncle Jerry, is that you?
The man, seen clearly now, walks forward through the murky blackness. He is wearing cargo pants and a dirty flannel half tucked in, his gray hair sticking up in wild tufts. This is GREAT UNCLE JERRY.
ARCHER
Oh my God, is this the afterlife?
GREAT UNCLE JERRY
No, this is a dream sequence, idiot.
ARCHER
Oh.
GREAT UNCLE JERRY
Yeah. Complete hack BS. I’d expect no better if you’re the one writing this screenplay, idiot.
ARCHER
Well … we miss you, Great Uncle Jerry. I know I got real mad when you broke my PlayStation because you thought the government had planted tracking devices in there, but there’s a lot I wish I said to you before you passed. First off…
GREAT UNCLE JERRY
No time, idiot. I’m here for a reason. Your first two weeks of Archer’s Agenda for the Milwaukee Film Festival sucked. You’re almost 30 years old, and this is the nonsense you write? You absolute loser. You’re supposed to entertain people! You’re supposed to give enthusiastic recommendations! You’re screwing this all up. Your ancestors are ashamed! Just the other day, I was talking to Big Chungo – that’s our nickname for this dude from the Roman Empire you’re related to. He said that if he knew you were going to be the eventual result of his genetic line, he would have stayed celibate.
ARCHER
I thought you said this wasn’t the afterlife. How are you talking to my ancestors?
GREAT UNCLE JERRY
Shut up, idiot.
ARCHER (murmuring)
Totally reasonable question.
GREAT UNCLE JERRY
This is the last week of the Film Festival, buster. You better whip this agenda into shape, bucko. The people need good recommendations. They need funny intros. They need you to stop stinking so freaking bad! Come on! Do it for Big Chungo! Do it for the Roman Empire! Do it so your boss doesn’t get mad at you for blowing another deadline!
INT. ARCHER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
ARCHER wakes with a gasp. His Jimmy Neutron pajamas are soaked through with sweat. He tries to get out of bed, tangles in the sheets and falls to the ground. Kicking desperately, he frees himself and rushes to his bag, left on the floor the last night. He rummages within to find his laptop. Pulling it free, he opens it up, the screen bathing his pale face in sickly electronic light.
ARCHER
I won’t let you down, Great Uncle Jerry.
Sitting on the floor, he begins to frantically type.
…
Well, hello there, folks. It’s the third and final week of the Milwaukee Film Festival, and you know what that means – My stomach can’t take another bag of popcorn. I worry I’ve done permanent damage over the years.
Anyway, I have another agenda for you here. This is a truncated week. You only have four days of screenings to catch, so it’s your last chance to make the most of the fest. Here are the flicks I’m most excited to see this week before bidding farewell to another year of the Milwaukee Film Festival:
Architects, interior designers, renovators and landscapers: Submit your best work for consideration!
1. You Had to Be There
MONDAY, APRIL 27 AT 12:15 P.M. | DOWNER THEATRE
If you had told me that the 1972 production of Godspell launched the careers of many stars, including Martin Short, Eugene Levy and Gilda Radner, I would have said, “Did you know I interviewed Martin Short in 2022?” Because I’m very good at shamelessly making things about myself. I did though. I interviewed him and Steve Martin ahead of their show at the Riverside. It was on Zoom, but it still counts! Well, this film is about my close personal friend Martin Short and his costars in that fateful ’72 production, which “ignited a comedy revolution.”
2. The Dating Game
MONDAY, APRIL 27 AT 7 P.M. | ORIENTAL THEATRE
THURSDAY, APRIL 30 AT 1:45 P.M. | DOWNER THEATRE
This film is about men struggling at dating. China’s one-child policy has led to far more young men than young women in the country, and hence the dating game there is absolutely brutal – flocks of lonely fellas chasing after few women. This documentary follows some men in that desperate scenario, and the dating coaches they hire. I’m interested in this one the same way I’m interested in documentaries about astronauts – because their situation is just so vastly different from my own. I mean, a guy like me – 5’8”, well-developed calves, the platinum trophy for Resident Evil 9 on PS5, hundreds of rewards points at McDonald’s – really has no trouble at all with dating. My problem, frankly, is just too many women blowing up my phone and … OK, OK, I admit that I may be able to, at least partly, relate to these guys.
3. Seized
TUESDAY, APRIL 28 AT 2 P.M. | DOWNER THEATRE
Local newspapers are the best, and talking about their declines awakens a pit of despair inside my gut. But I refuse to give in to the despair pit, and after hearing how good this movie is, I’m very interested in catching its final screening. This documentary tells the story of the Marion County Record, a small paper in an equally small town, Marion, KS. A shocking police raid on the paper’s offices thrusts the tiny paper into the national spotlight – and into a conversation about journalism, power and freedom of speech.
4. Lucky Lu
TUESDAY, APRIL 28 AT 8 P.M. | DOWNER THEATRE
A New York City delivery driver’s bike is stolen the day before his wife and daughter are set to arrive from Taiwan. This sparks 48 desperate hours for “Lucky Lu.” The film’s description calls it reminiscent of Bicycle Thieves, except about the modern gig economy as opposed to the post-WWII depression – I’m very in for this one.
5. Power Ballad
THURSDAY, APRIL 30 AT 7:30 P.M. | ORIENTAL THEATRE
Take a deep breath – we’ve once again arrived at closing night at the Milwaukee Film Festival. This cherry on the cinema sundae is always a high-energy screening, a big final hurrah. And this year’s film promises to be a fun one. Paul Rudd plays an aging wedding singer who meets a former boy-band star played (fittingly) by Nick Jonas. The two have a late-night jam, which soon leads to Jonas’ character reviving his career using one of Rudd’s songs. Man, oh, man. This is why I don’t tell my possum jokes to just anyone. Anyway, comedy unfolds, hearts are warmed, etc.
