Dear Nikol,
I have issues with trusting men. This perhaps comes from knowing that my dad cheated on and then abandoned my mom when I was very young. No man that I have dated has ever given me reason to trust him either. I’ve been cheated on, blown off, taken advantage of, verbally abused, and been ignored in nearly every relationship I have been in.
Three years ago when I began to date my current boyfriend “Troy” I did not let myself become vulnerable at first. He eventually got me to open up and to trust him, saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, marry me, and other comforting things. A few months ago, however, Troy told me that he wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, saying that I was too “clingy” and “codependent” (I am a very LOW maintenance girlfriend and neither of these). I was VERY unhappy about it, but with the fear of a break up and my open mindedness, I tried it for a month. Neither of us dated anyone else at the time, but that month was complete agony for me, and pure free joy for him. Finally, I worked up the courage to put a stop to the situation after hearing from a friend what he said about it, “I’ll have my cake and eat it too.” Since then, our relationship has healed over the many months, yet in the back of my mind, my trust in Troy has been broken. I love him dearly, so it hurts even more just to wonder why he wanted polyamory in the first place or to imagine that he might be cheating on me while we are doing this long distance relationship thing. Now when people ask when we are going to get married, he stiffens up and brushes the comment aside like he’s afraid of marriage or making promises. I allowed myself to be venerable while he was planning our future, and now he’s just dashed all of those plans and struck at my vulnerabilities.
What should I do about my male trust issues? How do I approach Troy with all of this? I am really afraid to talk to him about it, because he gets really depressed and withdrawn (as if I’m the attacker) with things like this. Please help!
Thank you for your time, Nikol.
Sad Girlfriend
Dear SGF,
Polyamoury does not mean many screw buddies. It means multiple loves. And it is not everyone’s cup of tea. Poly relationships are not just determined by one party. It doesn’t sound a damn thing like what is going on with you, anyway.
You ask a really important question, Sad. What should you do about your male trust issues? The answer is: start dating men who are worth your trust. You tell us you are low maintenance, you have a history of being a door mat, and you are afraid to talk to our good pal Troy because he might get depressed. If I were a scum bag lecher, I would cheat on you in a heartbeat. You are the victim, yet you play dead a little too well.
For some reason you are keeping yourself pent inside a series of screwy, fearful relationships. Maybe it makes you feel stronger for being such a devoted person. Nobody can question your stick-to-itiveness, can they? But they can tell you that you are acting like a sap.
Troy doesn’t want to marry you. Troy doesn’t want to be faithful to you. And at some point you have to consider if you really want to marry him, or just this idea of the kind of guy he might be some day (just as long as he changes completely). Know your limits, and stop being such a Sad Girlfriend already.
Nikol
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Dear Nikol,
I’ve known this guy for years. We’re business associates, but don’t work together in the same office. We’ve always been able to banter comfortably, but have never dated each other. He’s mum about his love life, but I know he’s not married. How can I discreetly find out if he’s dating anyone without directly asking him (and perhaps making future business connections awkward)??
Business Fling Hopeful
Dear Business Fling Hopeful,
My first instinct is to say that if he isn’t offering information about his dating life, he isn’t interested. Then I put more thought into it and realize that people are really messed up when it comes to dating and their ideas about how they should let someone know they are interested.
If only these were the simpler days when you could tell if a dude liked you by how hard he stomped on your foot on the playground. (Has this dude stomped on your foot at all? Could be a good sign.) While adults tend to replace that kind of physical flirtation with the banter you spoke of, it can still be really difficult to tell. And he could be omitting information about his dating life because he wants you to know he is available. And he could be omitting information about his dating life because he is terribly shy. Have I confused you enough?
So, really, you can slip in some subtle hints that you are single and see how he reacts. You can find ways of asking him if he has any hot dates lined up for the weekend. There are plenty of ways of prying in that area of a person’s life without making things too awkward. The next step in the process could be more difficult.
Whenever getting involved with someone with whom you must have a continuing business relationship, you have to consider the impact your dating may have on your work. Both in the totally goopy, sometimes steamy beginning parts when you have to see him at your office and you just want to make out with him; and later, should it happen to not work out for the two of you and you have to continue to see this person. If you are fairly certain that such things will not be an issue for the two of you, get your ass over to the water cooler and flirt your brains out. If you question it at all, let your business associate just stay a crush, because even crushing can be a lot of fun.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
