Dear Nikol,
My boyfriend and I have been in an involved relationship for more than a year. There’s only one problem: We’re both married to different people.
We’ve both been unhappy in our marriages for many, many years – me for 21 years, and he’s been married for just over 30 years. He has two grown children and a grandchild, and I’m the mother of three boys, ages 17, 19 and 21. It’s safe to say we’ve both dragged our marriages on for the sake of children and been unhappy throughout the process.
On the other hand, my boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. We’ve been friends for nearly 20 years and we’ve both expressed our love for one another. It’s a challenge to be together in public because it’s so obvious that we belong.
I’m ready to move on, be happy and start my life with this man. In my eyes this seems to be the right thing to do. But, I have a few questions. I’m scared. Do these affairs ever work out? Is it worth all the hassle, time and money to go through a divorce? Can I bet 100 percent that he’ll leave his wife for me? Why do men stay in lifeless marriages to begin with? What do you think?
Dabbling Darling
Dear Dabbling Darling,
The issue here is not your affair at all. The affair is merely a symptom of the one statement you glossed easily over in your quest for me to affirm the positive outcome of your current amorous situation. You said, “We’ve both been unhappy in our marriages for many, many years.”
So, how about you stop worrying about your compatibility rating with your unhappily married bed buddy, and start asking yourself how important it for you to be happy. Either end the affair, stay married and work things through in counseling with your husband, or leave your marriage for your own health.
To answer your actual questions, yes, sometimes these affairs work out. No, you should not bide your time. Either he’s into the relationship, or you are an otherwise attached piece of ass that he can romanticize over. And, hell, there are all sorts of things that keep people in bad marriages. Seems it is like the workplace. You try really hard to get that job, then you spend the rest of the time complaining about it, but staying put.
Nikol
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Dear Nikol,
My 6th grade daughter “Brooke” used to be the star of her class, but now it seems things have changed. “Kristen,” her best friend of 6 years, for some reason decided not to invite my daughter over for a slumber party she had a couple weekends ago. Brooke spoke up and confronted Kristen about why she was not invited, and Kristen admitted that not all of the girls wanted her there. She said that sometimes Brooke tries to take all of the attention and not everyone likes that. Now, just a few days ago it seems that Brooke lost a few more friends because they sided with Kristen and not Brooke. It’s a whole circle of little fights that leaves my precious daughter on the outside. I don’t want to be that mother who intervenes, but I hate seeing Brooke so sad. Should I continue to stay out or should I step in to make the situation right?
Concerned Parent
Dear CP,
While you may feel inclined to maybe show up on the playground and maybe lob softballs at the head of Kristen and her band of bitches, maybe you should sit this one out.
It sucks that your daughter has to go through a time of being outcast from her clique of friends, and nobody wants a mopey 6th grade kid kicking around the house, but Brooke’s situation is as normal to young girls as fart jokes are to young boys.
If Brooke has asked you for your help with this, I would suggest that rather than make a stink with the other girls or their parents, you use that time to talk to Brooke about interpersonal relationships and how they often play out. This will not be the only time your daughter has to deal with this type of situation.
So, Mom, teach her how to cope with it. I am assuming there are plenty of other kids your daughter is in school with. Maybe now is a great time for her to try a new social scene.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
