Dear Nikol,
Here’s the situation. My husband and I have been together for nearly nine years and he doesn’t want to have sex any more. This is not normal, right? What can I do, especially if he refuses counseling as an option? What else can I do? Divorce? Affairs? Death?
At My Wit’s End
Dear Wit’s End,
Death? Jeez, that’s a bit extreme. Nobody I have known to date has died from sexless marriage syndrome.
Sexuality is swept under a lot of rugs when it comes to deciding if you like someone enough to don the taffeta gown and shove cake in his or her face. I have plenty of friends who I love dearly but did not marry, because I don’t want to sleep with them.
If your partner is so rigid in not wanting to attend counseling, you may need to dig a little bit deeper before you go rushing off to file divorce papers or start cruising Pick ‘N Save for some action.
Since we all have our own hang ups, it could be that your partner is embarrassed about some physical problem they are having. It could be that he is bored and too afraid to ask you to try that swing he saw in the pop up ad. It could be so many different things. Start out by asking about all of the possibilities and making it very clear to him that you need sex to be a part of your marriage.
If that still isn’t working, please consider divorce before death or affairs.
Nikol
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Dear Nikol
Recently I have been using Internet sites to meet and date men, as I’m not really into going to bars to meet them. Well, once I find a profile I like, I write to the man telling him I’m interested. After that, even if I get a response with a phone number, I won’t call back because I feel this is the man’s job to do. I feel that since I made the first move by contacting them, they should take it from there. As a single woman in her mid-30s, is this too old-fashioned of an approach? Should I be calling right away, or why are these guys so shy?
Too Old Fashioned?
Dear Old Fashioned,
What the crap? First of all, that’s a pretty hasty digit hand off. You must be pretty hot to get all of those numbers. But don’t they know that you could really be a telemarketer in disguise as a beautiful woman? What happens if they give you their number and you start calling to sell them better rates on their phone bills?
Now onto your question. It may be less a matter of being old fashioned and more about these men being accustomed to a time in which it is rude and forward to ask an online dating potential for her personal information.
They are letting you know that they are interested in speaking to you more, and now it is your turn to make the next move. This doesn’t mean you can’t expect them to be the pursuer of the relationship. They are just being polite and letting you know that they’re available.
As for deciding when to call, just make it known in your first message to them that you don’t do phone calls until you’ve gotten to know more about them. Personally, I think you can learn a lot through both methods of communication, so I wouldn’t write off the phone calls right away.
By the way, chick, you are only in your 30s. Don’t go acting like you are Debbie the Dating Dinosaur and the world has gotten so different. Just do what feels best for you, because that’s the only way you will find a relationship that will match your criteria.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
