Dear Nikol,
When I was 22 I slept with my bestfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They had just broken up after 2 years of being together. We had sex on and off for about 4 months – mostly off because she was having sex with a lot of other guys. I didn’t really mind at the time.
My friend found out about it one night when we were all out in town. She started kissing him in front of me and I got very upset. I came very close to jumping off a bridge that night. I spent some time seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication.
Now I’m 24 and my friend is seeing someone new. One night, though, I was at a party at her house and she showed up. She ignored me. Then she started sitting on this guy’s lap to make my friend jealous. I felt like shit and I left.
I really do care for my friend and I still feel terrible about seeing his ex behind his back. She makes me feel awful, but she’s the only person I’ve ever really liked who has liked me back. I’ve tried dating Web sites and such, but I’m not really very attractive and it hasn’t gone very well. I don’t really have a question for you. I know I should cut her totally out of my life, but loneliness is very hard for me to deal with.
I was just hoping you could help at all.
– Lonesome and Longing
Dear LL,
I usually try to be light hearted at the start of a column. Maybe crack a joke. Well there’s nothing funny to say right here. I tried. I know this great joke about muffins, but this isn’t the right time.
You don’t really have a question, which makes it a little bit more difficult to know what to say. But I also feel like you are asking a question that many people have asked: “Will I always be alone?” I often wonder how many people send and receive that question via text every night.
It sounds like you got dicked over pretty bad with your emotions about this girl. You know she’s not the one for you, but she was at least willing to hold a very temporary spot, albeit physical. You’re not the most stable leg on the footstool, what with the bridge jump attempt and all, so dating a girl like that one in any capacity is a pretty bad idea for you. I am glad you sought therapy and I hope that even though you are out of immediate danger you continue to see a therapist because you’ve got some other problems to get past that will help you deal with your loneliness. You’ve got some self esteem issues to tackle.
For example, you say you’ve tried online dating but you aren’t that attractive. Alright, I’m going to take your word for it. There are plenty of people in the world who are not conventionally attractive and they do have a harder time getting dates on sites that put pictures right out front. The same would be true for trying to pick up dates in a bar. If you don’t have a lot of social prowess or aren’t glaringly attractive it can be hard to spark someone’s interest. But you list your unattractiveness as if it is the deal breaker.
At the age of 24 I am going to assume you have interests. Maybe you have a job or you go to school. When you are not schooling or working, you are doing … something. Even if the something you do is usually done alone (online RPGs, collecting rocks, running, racing your pet turtles) you can find other people who share your interests. You should be focusing on making new friends, both male and female. Maybe stop going to the parties where this girl is likely to show up and make out with someone. Tell your friend that it is just too hard for you to go to his parties if you know she’ll be there. Form a community around yourself of people who like to do the stuff you like to do. While you are at it, try some new things. If you find that you don’t like those new things you will still have gotten yourself out there and possibly made some new friends.
Along the way you might meet a nice girl. Settle down. Make a baby. Live the dream. Or whatever your version of that dream becomes. But even if you don’t meet someone right away or for a while, you will have made new friends. And besides hanging out with, friends are also the people you text in the middle of the night to ask, “Will I always be alone?” The good ones have the sense to say, “No.”
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
