Dear Nikol,
I’ve been with my lady now for almost three years. When we first got together the sex was amazing. It was the best I’ve ever had – so energetic, so frequent. I’m old enough to know that first-fling-frequency doesn’t usually last throughout a long-term relationship, and while it’s lamentable that’s life. That’s why god invented The Stranger and other auto-erotic maneuvers.
The complaint I do have is that for at least a year now I’ve been the only one putting any effort into our sex life. She still wants to do the deed on a regular basis, but she never takes the initiative to get things going besides playfully humping at me while we lie in bed, which was cute before it became apparent this is as far as she’s willing to go to get it on. And when we do have sex I’m the only one bent to the task; she isn’t down for anything that puts her on top.
I have spoken to her about this a few times, and explained that I really don’t need a Herculean effort or a space shuttle launch procedure, just more than the equivalent of tugging on my sleeve and going “Hey, serve me.” Some kissing, a little caressing (south of the border or otherwise), maybe a little digital stimulation for both of us, simple things like that. But nothing changes. I don’t want a lot, just something .
It’s almost to the point where sex is getting annoying, like a chore, and I don’t want that. I’m naturally more of the dom in the bedroom but being the only one putting energy into it is no fun. Help! What can I do to get her more involved?
– Doin’ All the Doin’
Dear DAD,
(Please don’t ever make your anonymous signature anything familial. Unless you are my dad. In which case, hello. Sorry to hear your sex life is crappy. Let’s deal with that. Also, thanks for the Holiday card and cookies. You seem to have forgotten my nut allergy.)
Well, you’ve already talked to your woman and the best advice I would have had is communication. Since you have already let her know that you need her to be more involved in the bedroom and she didn’t take the hint, I’d say it’s time to step it up a notch and let her know how important this is to you. It is one thing to tell a partner that you would like them to take the garbage out sometimes, but if them not taking the garbage out is going to lead to causing a major gap within your relationship that needs to be made clear.
However, it sounds like even if you do make it loud and clear that you need her to stop being a lazy lover she may not want to accommodate you. And if she doesn’t want to that could mean that she also views sex as a chore, which is the problem you are already having yourself. Nobody likes chores, and if the two of you are both thinking that putting work into the sex is, well, work, then that is going to be one sad bedroom.
We already know why you are starting to think of sex as a chore, but we don’t know what your girlfriend’s issue is. Let’s brainstorm. You have said you are a dom in the bedroom. (For those of you who don’t know, this means DAD likes to take charge. There are many levels of dominance and submission from a very basic “I’m on top/I’m on bottom” level to an extreme BDSM lifestyle.) If your girlfriend believes this means she should let you do all the heavy lifting, it is up to you to take charge in another way. It can be a big turn on for a sub to be told by a dom exactly how they are going to approach sexual situations. You can try telling her beforehand that the next time she wants sex she is going to put something sexy on and seduce you properly. This could be a fun game for both of you and it could help her learn to enjoy putting the moves on you.
It is also possible that she doesn’t know how to initiate sex properly. This could explain her cute little leg-humping behavior. Maybe she feels weird about it because of some idea she has about who should initiate sex or because she doesn’t know how to be sexy. This is another case in which it could be good for you to tell her the ways in which you’d like her to tell you she’s turned on. If she starts humping at your leg you could suggest she tries something more adventurous.
Or, she could just be lazy about sex. Some people are. In that case you will have to determine if you are just going to put up with it and do the heavy lifting or devise some sort of a system in which every now and again she has to do you a solid and do something she doesn’t enjoy. That isn’t the ideal situation, but hopefully the two of you can talk about it enough to work out something that she might eventually start enjoying. Making someone get hot for you is an important part of foreplay for some people and she may not yet know how much fun it can be for her.
If none of this works, you could try not having sex with her unless she initiates it with you in a way that makes you feel excited. You’ve said she still wants sex, so if she realizes that you aren’t just a machine she can switch on when she feels up for a shag then she may start making more of an effort. Good luck.
-Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
