Dear Nikol,
This is really hard for me to write. I’m 20 years old and have been in a relationship for 4 years. I really care about “John” but I have been feeling like I need to get out of my relationship. I have a lot of issues that I have been trying to deal with for years, but I can’t always express my feelings. John and I have a codependent relationship. We are best friends, but he relies on me 100 percent. I constantly get texts from him when he is upset or depressed, which is often.
I am always there for him, but I am no longer happy in this relationship. I have tried to break it off before, but John gets insanely depressed and suicidal and texts me about the pain he is going through. I always give in and change my mind. I am so scared to do this – I really think he might hurt himself or drop out of school because of me. I have contacted his family before about his state, but they were not proactive about it. He also lives away from home now, so there is nothing they or anyone could do. Please help.
-Lost in Chicago
Dear Lost,
That whole co-dependent thing can be a mess at any age, and if it’s gone on for four years I don’t suspect it’s the sort of thing that you two will ever be able to work through and change.
But I guess you’re not really asking me how you can salvage your relationship. You seem more keen on figuring out the best way to end it without a dead ex boyfriend. I’m certainly not one to be unfeeling when it comes to mental illness, but for this one we need to step back away from the situation and try to view it reasonably.
If your boyfriend is indeed going to kill himself, even if it does happen post break-up, it won’t be your fault. He needs a level of help that you cannot provide, and even though painful situations could be overwhelming for him, prolonging a relationship simply because you don’t want him to kill himself isn’t good for either of you.
So, I am going to suggest that you end it. Before you do, let any friends and family know. Even if they don’t take it as seriously as you’d like them to, at least they will know to check in on him, because checking in on him cannot be your job.
When you do break up with him, let him know that if either of you are going to get through this healthily, there needs to be no contact. No phone calls. No Facebooks. No texts or emails. You have to cut things off entirely for long enough to get beyond the initial pain. You can let him know that in the future you may be able to talk again, but that time will not happen soon.
Don’t expect him to abide by this rule, though. And if you know yourself well enough to know that his texts and contacts with you about his suicidal feelings will scare you and ultimately make you stay with him, you need your own support person or people around to help you keep yourself in check. I suggest you even turn your cell phone off at night, a time when your loneliness and his pleas can make it seem pointless to try to maintain the split.
Being on any side of a break up is difficult, so you need to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for both of you, even if you cannot see it just yet. You learned things about yourself and being with him has been part of what has formed you. Moving forward, keep the lessons you learned and use them to find healthier relationships. Hopefully he will do the same.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
