Well it’s happened again. The significant other of one of my (platonic) Sunday Boyfriends is upset at the idea her man has a good friend…that just happens to be a woman (me). This isn’t new. Two of my SBs have significant others who don’t really care for the whole Sunday Boyfriend concept, or me. Their anger is really a reflection of their fears. I get it. Truly, I do. Because I was once in their shoes; feeling threatened by a woman who was a friend to my then-boyfriend. In my case, because I’m more of a let’s-put-all-our-cards-out-on-the-table kind of person, the fear that my then-boyfriend would cheat on me (and that she would want him to) caused me to embarrassingly berate my then-boyfriend to no end. And he was a good guy, who genuinely cared for me – who just happened to have a really good friend that was a woman. And at the time I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t see that she was really a great person. My fear only let me see a threat. As such, I would thrust my fears into arguments so much that it turned into resentment. And that resentment turned into ultimatums. And my irrational fears cost me to not only look insecure and petty to my then- boyfriend, but also the opportunity to become friends with a really wonderful woman. Looking back, it is not one of my finest moments. But I wanted to be honest. And like I said, I’m more of a let’s-put-all-our-cards-out-on-the-table kind of person.
So in this post, let’s talk about that scary place that turns the most level-headed woman into an unrecognizable mess, and what Sunday Boyfriend can do to help alleviate this ugly disposition.
I want to talk about the elephant in the Sunday Boyfriend room; the When Harry Met Sally philosophy. You know this movie, right? In a nutshell, it shares the story of two friends (Harry & Sally), and how their relationship evolves. But there is a quote early on in the movie, said by Harry when Sally suggests they be friends, that goes to the heart of my discussion, “…men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way…because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.”
I both agree & disagree with Harry. I think men and women can be friends. But I do think men always think about sex. So let’s be fair; they can be friends only if both are honest and realize the given: that not only do men think about sex every nanosecond, but that men are biologically hard wired this way (no pun intended). It doesn’t matter what kind of Sunday Boyfriend relationship you want (one filled with “snicky snacks” or platonic), your relationship will be better if you acknowledge this fact and move on. If I embraced this earlier in life, I could have avoided a lot of wasted energy and heartache. But let me be clear here…I’m not saying that because men think about sex all the time that gives them a pass to cheat. Ah, no. I’m saying it’s better to realize men think about sex all the time, rather than questioning why they do and trying to make it a reflection of you – because it’s not a reflection of you. Think of it as factual as the nose on your face. It is what it is.
Alright, so the lesson I want to come out of this post:
Harry & Sally friendships are not only possible, but necessary to make people better-rounded.
To expect someone you are in a romantic relationship with to only imagine sex with you is unrealistic. Think about it. Can you control thinking about what it would be like to be with Brad Pitt or George Clooney when you’re in that movie theater? Yeah, I thought not. So, how can it possibly be reasonable to think it’s fine for you to think about all that Pitt or Clooney loveliness, but it’s not okay for your partner to think about the cute girl at the ticket counter? Well get over it; because it’s not. And if we are being honest, although women don’t think about sex every nanosecond, we do think about it. So ladies, let’s stop pretending we don’t know about this double standard and just be fair; realize that when your significant other imagines having sex with someone else, it doesn’t equate to actually doing it. And this bears repeating…fantasy is just that, fantasy. It’s not reality. Nor should your significant other’s fantasies take anything away from how fabulous you are…because you are! And I don’t know about you, but I’m not comfortable with someone telling me I can’t have a fantasy. Because a life without fantasy (without George Clooney) is not a world I want to know.
So when you are choosing your Sunday Boyfriend(s), know that at some point they have thought about what it would be like to have sex with you. It just is. And if sex is what you want from your Sunday Boyfriend, then great. But if that isn’t what you want from your Sunday Boyfriend, your relationship can still be great. A person is more than just a sexual being, and to limit yourself from knowing someone, becoming friends with someone, because you’re afraid of a fantasy, regardless if it’s his or yours, is foolish. The people out there waiting to teach your life lessons come in all genders. Don’t limit what you can learn.
Whether you are a Sally or a Harry, or a significant other to one, go out there and be comfy.
MORE INFORMATION ON SUNDAY BOYFRIEND RELATIONSHIPS MAY BE FOUND AT THE SUNDAY BOYFRIEND BLOG, Facebook and Twitter.
