Dear Nikol,
I just found out that my wife has been seeing someone behind my back.
This is not the first time this has happened. She started this relationship less than a year ago. She promised she would stop and never talk to this person again. She even quit her job, but she started working there again, and that was when she started seeing him again. They met up at a bar, and I know she wound up kissing him. I do not know if anything else has happened.
We have had our problems, but I never thought that our problems would make her cheat.
I am the type of man who gives his all and just wants some respect and appreciation back. I cook, clean, provide for her and do many romantic things, but I feel as if I have failed. She said it was because I was too controlling. I didn’t want her spending frivolously on things that we didn’t need.
I still love her and want to be able to trust her, but I don’t know if that is possible. She betrayed me twice in less than a year. I have started divorce proceedings, albeit a little too soon, but I was crushed.
I just don’t know if it is possible to rebuild this marriage. Should I even try?
Dear Flip Flop,
She obviously doesn’t want to be with you. And I want to tell you what part of the problem might be. As I read your email I heard to extol your virtues as a husband and her failings as a wife, and there was nothing in between.
If you really feel like you do so much and she gives so little back, why the hell do you give a damn about the relationship? Are you a total sap? Or is it possible that part of your problem in this marriage is that you perceive yourself in such a holy light of martyrdom?
I don’t know you or your wife. I couldn’t say if it is worth it to you to try to salvage the trust and come to a place where you can move forward. All I am seeing is someone with a holier than thou complex and that, my friend, is one sure ticket to a miserable marriage.
You want to fix it? Think your own part and decide if you can find anything about your wife worth sticking around for, then try telling her what you like about her without feeling you have to punctuate it with how very much you do to make the relationship work.
Nikol
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Dear Nikol,
I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for four years. This man has treated me better than anyone I’ve ever met, and I love him very much. But I believe he’s addicted to pornography, and he refuses to give it up.
I was under the impression my fiancé had given up his porn habit but I have learned that he still views porn frequently.
He apologized and promised to purge everything. Unfortunately, several times since then, the same situation has played out.
It disgusts me and is hurtful to me as a woman.
This last time I caught him, I almost broke up with him because he lied about it, and I also learned he was checking out an adult dating site.
I’ve given him an ultimatum before to choose between me and the porn.
On some level I feel as if it’s my fault. I decided I wanted to wait until we are married to have sex, and I wonder if he’s looking for something he’s not getting from me, even though he swore up and down it didn’t go beyond looking.
What should I do if this extends into marriage?
Dear Prudent PG,
My first instinct is to slap you with a rubber fist and ask what your problem is. Then I remember that everyone has a different tolerance and viewpoint and set of values.
Listen, PPG, you are not going to break your future husband’s porn habits. All you are doing is making him have to treat it like a total secret, which can be even more of a turn on for him.
Obviously, the guy has some sexual interests, which you may not. What you need to determine right now, before you march into a legal contract of true love forever land, is if you can expand yourself at all to accept such interests.
You have stated that you find porn disgusting and hurtful to you as a woman. Maybe he feels the same way about one of your hobbies. You have no need to see his desire to look at porn as some deficiency on your part. It is just something that stimulates him. Some of us love “Project Runway,” some of us love Ramming Randy Romance II.
If you can’t cope with it, and have handed down the “It’s me or porn” ultimatum, show some follow through. This is the rest of your life you are planning for. So figure out your limits right now or forever hold your divorce documents.
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
