Nikol Dear Nikol,
I have a best friend’s worst nightmare on my hands. My dear friend is getting married to a man I completely disapprove of. And I’m the maid of honor. These past few months it seems as if he’s been ignoring her all the time. He makes her seem like a burden. She even told me that he said he wasn’t “thrilled” about planning the wedding and didn’t care how it went at all. I’ve told my friend she should probably work out these issues before they walk down the aisle, but am I stepping over my boundary? I know I should be supporting her 100 percent, but how can I with a man like this? Lastly, would it be wrong to back out of her wedding if I don’t believe in what it stands for?
Dear Burdened Bridesmaid,
Your decision to sweat profusely in some ill fitting gown whilst your girl says “I take this jerk to be my husband for as long as I can stand it” has nothing to do with your endorsement of their relationship. She’s asked you to be the maid of honor, not the marriage counselor.
If you have already made clucking noises to the tune of suggesting that she hold off a bit, you’ve done as much as you should. Backing out of your role as her support during her big day makes it seem like you are washing your hands of her. If she is that dear to you, it would make the most sense for you to stick through this, make it as happy an occasion as you can, and stick by her during the rough stuff you see ahead.
What you really need to remember is that your friend believes she is making the best choice for herself. You have no idea what exists at the root of that relationship, so trust her to know what she is doing.
Nikol
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Dear Nikol,
A neighbor has a 12-year-old daughter who was the victim of female bullies in elementary school. The neighbor told me that she looks at her daughter’s phone text messages.
She says she has the “right” as a parent to do so. She said that it is scary out there, and the decisions that kids make today are far more serious than when we made them. That’s her justification.
Of course, the daughter doesn’t know about the mother doing this. She also goes through the daughter’s dresser drawers when she is putting clean clothes away.
I told her that I thought she was wrong and that through good communication you can find out what your kids are thinking.
Am I wrong?
Dear Anti-1984,
Your neighbor is a nosy bitch just looking for excuses to voyeuristically view her daughter’s life. Parents make all sorts of excuses to wedge ourselves into our children’s lives. I remember one of my foster parents confronting me with a stack of passed notes as if I had breeched some code of innocence by talking about a dude’s package.
What your neighbor is doing is stupid and wrong, no matter how she wants to justify it. You know the answer already, though. If she spent more time talking to her daughter and less time rifling through her underwear drawer, she would have a better insight into who the girl is as a person. Kids are trying so hard to figure out who the hell they are, so they are naturally going to adopt adult like personalities to try them on. She could get a much more accurate read on the girl if she just talked to her directly.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
