Dear Nikol,
I’m a 26-year-old straight male. I’ve had a string of long-term relationships my whole life, recently broke up with a girlfriend and am now dating another girl. All of them have been very cute, very feminine. My type is very leggy and a little punk rock. I have no interest in dating men, nor am I attracted to most. Women can admit when other women are attractive and they can joke about making out with them. Another popular sex advice columnist has suggested that female sexuality is more fluid than a man’s. However there are some parts of me that wonder if I might have a genuine interest in some activity with men.
When I was in college a friend of mine said a true test to see whether you could be gay or not was to imagine giving another man oral sex. I couldn’t do it then, but as time goes on I make it further down that imagination path. I think I’ve developed a type (skinny Japanese rocker = hot!). I’ve never actually tried to pick anyone up while I was out; flirting with girls is hard enough. Up to this point I’ve never had any driving desire to try.
But now I don’t really know what to do with this. I’m starting a new relationship with another woman and I’m not interested in actually having a relationship with a man. I’m not worried that I’m gay, but I’m wondering how I should approach these feelings. Is it one of those “I’d make out with him” ha ha jokes, or is it something I should consider approaching?
Thanks!
Might Mack on Men
Dear MMM,
So your type in women is leggy and punk rock and your type in men, should you happen to ever make out with one, is Asian punk rock. Are you sure you aren’t writing to ask how to get over your punk rocker fetish? I’m glad you aren’t, because there is no way to ever really stop loving punk rocker types.
You have included the required amount of “I’m totally straight” information to let me know that you’re not into having a relationship with a dude. My guess is that you have some idea of what a relationship with a man is like in your head and you much prefer coming home to new Ikea furniture artfully placed by someone with boobs. That’s fine. There are no laws (even in Wisconsin) that I know of stating that if you have the occasional sexual fantasy about a guy, you aren’t allowed to be with women.
What you are asking is: how do you deal with those feelings? I will make a few assumptions about what you mean with the general scope of the question and note two areas that may be nagging at you.
With regard to your new girlfriend, it could be kind of awkward to bring up the topic in a way that is light and water testing. “So, Debbie, I was at the gay bar the other night, just hanging out, and the oddest thing happened. I could not stop thinking about going down on guys.”
Part two in this is, what is it that you really want? Is your sexual interest in men just meant to live in the realm of fantasy or are you curious enough about it to want that to happen in your real life? It could go really well or it could ruin the fantasy for you. Case in point? I recently thought I wanted banana cream pie and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore and I ate the pie, but it was nothing like the pie I had imagined. If only I could go back to my pre-pie days. Yes, your situation is just like that only with homosexuality and less graham cracker crust.
Now comes the advice-y part, which is what you wrote to me for. For the girlfriend, I would suggest you take her with you to a gay bar. We women love that stuff. I bet you date fairly open minded leggy punk rock girls, so it shouldn’t be too hard to convince her to set out for a night of gay fun. While you are there, mention that you think someone is hot and it’ll inevitably launch you into a lighthearted conversation about bisexuality.
As far as yourself, you have to make up your own mind. Is this something you just have to do because it is going to nag at you or is this something you can play out in your head and be satisfied to leave it at that. Hey, my pie situation may not have worked out the way I was hoping it would, but I am still glad I went through with it or I may still be sitting here thinking about it.
Be safe and live the way you want to live. Should you ever figure out a way to stop loving punk rockers, do me a favor and send me your advice.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
