Dear Nikol,
So, I’m pregnant. And it’s not a good thing, either. (Don’t worry, I know you aren’t going to answer this and solve all my problems. I just think it would be interesting to hear what you have to say.)
Not only am I not with the dad, I can’t stand him. I made a big mistake having sex with him, so go ahead and yell at me. I only went out with him twice and then he turned out to be a druggy and I found out he’d been arrested for domestic violence. No thanks.
Anyways, pregnant. I am either going to have an abortion, or I may keep the baby. I’ll decide that soon. And what I should figure out is, do I have to tell him either way? I’m in my late ‘20s, I have a great career and I have a great family. I have no problem being a single mother, and I don’t need his financial support. I also can afford an abortion without asking him to help pay. I know I legally don’t have to tell him anything. But, morally, what should I be thinking about?
Thanks.
Secret Bun In The Oven
Dear Secret Bun,
I’m not going to yell at you. What’s done is done, and having sex with a jerk isn’t the biggest mistake you could make in your life. It’s not like you slept with a jerk while investing in BP. Getting pregnant isn’t the biggest mistake you’re going to make, but you should make sure you don’t keep doing that.
Interesting question, though. I mean, if you’re going to have an abortion and you don’t need his support for that, I really don’t think you need to tell him. I feel a little bit weird saying that, because I have talked to guys who found out about an abortion after it happened, and then they get all misty eyed and talk about how they could have been a father. Who knows how they would have reacted if the girl had said he was keeping the baby, though. I suppose what I’m driving at is that if you choose not to tell him that you are having an abortion, don’t get drunk and text him about it after the fact. Even if he doesn’t care at all, it serves no healthy purpose.
If you decide to stay pregnant, then raise the child on your own (or eventually with someone who isn’t an abusive druggy) things get a little bit stickier. Assuming neither of you is moving away, and assuming you met because you have mutual friends or frequent mutual spots, he’s probably going to find out you’re pregnant, and next thing you know, there’s an audience yelling, “Jerr-y! Jerr-y!”
And even if the situation is such that he wouldn’t ever figure it out, there is the chance that you could benefit from knowing more about this man. For example, it is always better to know the medical history of both parents. It’s not necessary, but it is better. An even bigger factor is that one day your child will be old to begin wondering who they are. With that comes wondering about your ancestry. Even though it can suck for a kid to find out that one of their parents is a total shit, it’s easier for them to cope if they know more about who their parents are.
So, here’s what I think the smartest course of action would be if you decide against abortion. I think you should tell him, letting him know upfront that you don’t expect or desire his involvement as a father. If he’s on board that ship, hire a family lawyer and get him to sign paperwork terminating any parental rights so he can’t try to slip back into your lives later. If he’s not on board, hire a family lawyer and have his parental rights terminated on the basis of his drug problems and history of domestic violence. If that sounds like a lot to go through, flash forward to a million middle of the night situations that being a parent will entail.
Be completely prepared for the possibility that he may become determined enough to be a father that he straightens himself out and does whatever court ordered stuff he needs to do to retain parental rights and get some sort of visitation. But, understand that if he really jumps through those hoops, he is showing a pretty huge dedication to parenthood, possibly becoming the kind of father who could be good to have in your child’s life.
Whatever you do as you move forward, you now need to consider how it will change the lives of everyone involved, including the new person. Best of luck, and may all of your future one-night stands be decent enough guys that you won’t mind if they knock you up.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
