Dear Nikol,
I am in love with a co-worker. It’s out of control: butterflies and daydreaming about throwing my arms around him and kissing him. Oh, and I’m married. This desire is destroying my relationship with my husband but I don’t seem to care. I know I need to do something – stop or leave my job or confess to my spouse – but I can’t. What do I do?
– Crushed on my co-worker
Dear Crushed,
You know you should do these things but you can’t? Is there some sort of physical malady preventing you from any form of communication? Are you incapable of controlling your actions to the point that you believe that one day you will dash into work and turn this crush into a full blown affair? I think what you mean to say here is that you know you should do something, but all possibilities are difficult and lead to you having to change things right when you are in the midst of the kind of crushy happy love that makes you feel like singing show tunes and adding a little more lip gloss on your way to work.
I wouldn’t recommend leaving your job. Practicality and unemployment rates indicate that unless you have a sure thing lined up elsewhere, you should stay put. And that makes an excellent metaphor for this new love as well. One thing that keeps people in unhappy relationships is not knowing if any new relationship is really going to work. You have no idea if your new crush is going to step up and want to kiss you back. But that’s never fair to the other person in the marriage, is it? How would it feel to know that you are only being held on to as a safety net for impending loneliness?
If you have let yourself fall in love with another person, you cannot convince yourself that all was well in your marriage until you saw this new man and realized that you picked the wrong soul mate. There is a moment in all relationships when we make the choice to let it happen or to let it go. You were missing something with your husband, and that is the real issue here. This crush is merely a symptom.
No matter what else comes of it, the one thing you have to do it to tell your husband. It is going to hurt like hell for both of you, but only after you do that will the two of you be able to figure out if you can fix what you have, or if you even want to. Hearing that your spouse is into another person usually leads to such a smack down of emotions that the two of you may not be capable of rationality at first, but once the ground stops shaking you will have opened up the space to make the choice I already mentioned; Let it happen or let it go. Each of those choices comes with its own set of difficult moments, but that is what marriage and life are about.
As for the coworker, you should get a grip on those feelings and step on a few butterflies until this is resolved. Take some time to step away from the new love to think about what went wrong with the love you already had.
-Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
