BY ARCHER PARQUETTE & BRIANNA SCHUBERT
The night was Friday, the hour was dark, the moon waxing and a heaviness hanging over the souls of young reporters. Milwaukee Magazine demanded content, more stories to feed hungry readers. And then, as he had done many times before, Charlie Berens provided. The preeminent comedian of all things Wisconsin released a brand new, original brandy last week, named after his “Grandpa Bob,” and we intrepid reporters decided that it was part of our journalistic duty to guzzle some of that stuff and tell you, the people, how it measures up.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
So that’s what we did. We, in this case, being digital editor Brianna Schubert, a connoisseur of all things grivoise, and managing editor Archer Parquette, who wrote a cover story about Charlie and also was looking for an excuse to drink.
We decided the best way to measure the quality of the new brandy was to compare it to what we might usually drink – and so we dusted off a bottle Korbel from the bottom of Brianna’s bar cart, poured out a flight, and got to sampling.
Here’s what we thought of Berens Original Brandy, as determined by the Four MilMag-Certified Brandy-Tasting Fun-Time Factors (which we just made up):
1. The Stank
A sniff of Korbel followed by a sniff of Berens Original Brandy.
Archer Parquette: The Korbel smells like cheap brandy. The Berens doesn’t smell nearly as strong.
Brianna Schubert: I was thinking the same thing. Definitely less of a burning smell, even though the Berens is 90 proof, and the Korbel is only 80, which is notable.
AP: I got nothing against the smell. I think it’s solid, pleasant. I love solid, pleasant smells. Who doesn’t, you know?
BS: So Charlie Berens wins the smell contest.
AP: That’s a fun sentence out of context.
BS: Ok, let’s not derail this taste test before it’s even started.
2. The Sip
First, a sip of Korbel, by which to compare
BS: Ok so, I’m going to be honest. This Korbel has been sitting on my shelf for maybe … three years? Can brandy go bad? *frantic Googling* Ok, no it can’t. Although it can lose some of “potency and flavor complexity” within two years.
AP: Yeah, that wasn’t complex. It just kind of burned.
BS: I tasted burning mostly, yeah. It’s burning in my chest.
AP: Well, the Berens can only be better!
Second, a sip of Berens Original Brandy
AP: Well, first off, it’s more alcoholic but it burns a lot less, which is surprising, but welcome. It’s actually really smooth. There’s almost a fruitiness to it. I want to say “earthy” but that sounds too snobby. But, ok, yeah, earthy is a good word for it.
BS: Definitely smooth. It has a lot more flavor. The flavor’s much more forward, and it’s sweeter. It tastes bright.
AP: Yeah, it’s actually enjoyable to drink. I would drink this on the rocks. Just drinking it straight right now is good. It makes me nostalgic for sitting out on the porch with my Uncle Jerry, hooking worms by the riverside, swapping stories about Ol’ Farmer Dingle and the beefy boys.
BS: You don’t have an Uncle Jerry. You’re just making things up.
AP: I know that, ok? This brandy makes me nostalgic for a past that never was. I long for an Archer that never will be. My pain is constant and sharp.
BS: Lovely. Well, I think it would be very good in a mixed drink. Well, an old fashioned obviously.
AP: It would make a killer old fashioned. Also, I only paid 25 dollars for this bottle, full-price not on sale.
BS: That’s super reasonable.
AP: Yes. I’m very positive on this brandy. Can you say something negative to balance that?
BS: Well, I probably wouldn’t drink it on the rocks like you. A little too strong, but I think I’d say that about any brandy. I would definitely use it in an old fashioned. Oh look, the side of the bottle says “Pairs well with cheese, fishing, weddings, funerals, deer camp, and of course, old fashioneds.” Well, we don’t have a boat, or a hunting rifle, and I’m not getting married till 2025, so I guess we should try it with some cheese?
AP: I never say no to cheese. You know this. It’s my most Wisconsin trait after my obsessive, borderline insane need to please people.
3. The Spread
A few slices of Gouda placed delicately on pita crackers, shared with the next sips of Berens Brandy.
BS: The cheese is a great chaser. It’s a nice pairing.
AP: I prefer cheese first, then brandy. It dulls the sting of the alcohol and sort of amplifies the cheese flavor. Invigorates, even.
BS: It invigorates the cheese?
AP: Yes. I stand by that opinion. Berens Brandy – It Invigorates The Cheese. Trademark that slogan. You’ll sell a million bottles.
BS: Why are you talking to me like I’m Charlie Berens?
AP: I don’t know. I’m still reeling from that Korbel. I’m going to eat some more cheese.
4. The Shot
An entirely unnecessary vibe check of sorts
BS: You really don’t have to take a shot of the brandy at this point. We’ve already determined that it’s good.
AP: Too late.
BS: Well, ok. Great.
AP: Aaaand that’s a good shot of brandy. Refreshing. Enjoyable. Two thumbs up.
The Final Verdict
BS: Wait, before we give our final verdict, I want my cat to smell them both and decided. *chases cat.*
AP: Is that a valid measurement?
BS: *continues chasing cat.* Yes, it is. Shut up.
AP: Ok. Jeez.
BS: *captures cat.* Ok, Cleo, here you go.
Cleo the cat first takes a delicate sniff of the Korbel. She leans in for more. Brianna then presents her with the Berens Brandy. She raises a paw and pulls back.
BS: Woah. She’s Team Korbel?
AP: What in the world? That is incorrect, Cleo.
BS: Yeah, I disagree. … I like the Berens Brandy. Not just the drink, but also the label. It has a retro look – like you might find it behind your uncle’s bar, which is nice.
AP: I really like the label. I’m not the most aesthetic-minded man, but you’re right – it has that retro look.
BS: I would buy it for my bar cart – display it on the top shelf even, not like the Korbel that was hiding in the darkness.
AP: I don’t have a fancy bar cart, but I would buy it for my sad countertop. I think we can chalk this one up as another win for Charlie. Grandpa Bob would be proud.
