For over two decades, despite being born and raised in Wisconsin, I never drank a bloody mary. In my defense, I was a child for quite a few of those years – but still, as a grown man of drinking age who works at Milwaukee Magazine, it seemed inappropriate that I had never sampled this locally beloved drink.
And so I made a decision. I decided to not simply enjoy a single bloody mary with brunch like a normal person. No. Instead, I thought – why not enlist my co-worker to safely drive me around town so I can drink as many bloody marys as I possibly can in rapid succession? A genius move, no doubt.
Well, I underestimated the acidity of a bloody mary, and I overestimated my internal fortitude. I made it through four of these on a Sunday morning before the experience began to veer masochistic.
Long story short – I don’t know if I can stomach another bloody mary for a while, our digital editor won’t stop trying to make me take Tums, and for the first time in my life I have opinions about bloody marys.
Here’s what I tried, and what I thought:
Sobelman’s – The Classic Bloody Mary
For my first experience, I decided to go with one of the most widely touted local purveyors of the mary of blood. This Menomonee Valley bar and grill is well-known for its insanely over-garnished bloody marys, one of which includes an entire fried chicken on top. That $65 bloody mary seemed like a bit much for the first bloody of my entire life, so I just went with their classic version of the cocktail, which was still generously garnished with a shrimp, a beef stick, cheese, celery, etc.
My first sip was a complex experience, one I might compare to a small poodle walking out into the sunshine for the first time in its life. It hurt a little, it stung, I wasn’t sure what was going on, I questioned whether I’d made the right decision, I contemplated whether my life has any meaning or if I’m simply trudging onward toward some nowhere destination with only loneliness and misery ahead. And then I thought, “Actually, that was kind of good?”
I liked the sharp mixture of tomato and vodka, the little stab in the throat. The Miller Lite chase, in its small plastic cup, was welcome, as I took more sips. The vegetative flavor had a weirdly addictive quality, bringing me back to the straw for more. Now despite my enjoyment, I will say it quickly became obvious that drinking a bunch of these in a row was going to be incredibly stupid. And yet I was not deterred.
West Allis Cheese and Sausage Shoppe – Abso-Bloody-Lutely
I’ll cut to the chase and say this was my favorite. If I ever again fill my stomach with a sloshing bloody, it will likely be one from this spot at the Milwaukee Public Market. I didn’t note major differences in the drinks themselves between locations – largely, garnishing was the factor – except this one tasted noticeably brighter, heartier, than the pack. The burning tomato mix achieved the right weird little boozy balance. And the garnishes here were also the most delicious of the bunch, which makes sense because “Cheese” and “Sausage” are literally in the name of this place. (Also, I’ve long been a fan of their sandwiches – would highly recommending grabbing a BLT from here.) And a third factor that I enjoyed – West Allis had the funniest chaser. While the other spots poured their beers in a little cup, this one gave me a can of “Lil Buddy,” an 8-fluid-ounce beer from Hopewell Brewing Co. The tiny can made me feel like a big guy, which was a nice little ego boost for a man whose height is filtered out on most dating apps. (Editor’s Note: He’s 5′ 8″, in case you were wondering.)
The Wicked Hop – The Bloody Mary
West Allis Cheese and Sausage may have won me over on the best bloody – but Wicked Hop takes the best experience crown. This starts with their cocktail window on the corner of St. Paul and Broadway – you just walk up and order, no need to walk inside, wait for a seat, anything like that. From the walk-up, I just turned around and grabbed a spot on the open bar facing the Public Market. The crowded neighborhood was a lovely scene on a Sunday morning.
Now here’s what makes this Wicked Hop’s BM stand out. (OK, that acronym does not work at all—will not repeat it.) It’s the cheese ropes, my friend. Hot diggity, Wicked Hop goes hard in the cheese department. The cheese may not be as delicious as the Stallis stuff, but there’s a lot of it on this thing, and sometimes quantity beats quality. At this point in the morning, as I rounded the bend on my third bloody mary, I would posit that eating plentiful cheese ropes off my drink was the only thing that kept our digital editor from losing her patience with my foolishness. (Editor’s Note: Can confirm.)
Uncle Wolfie’s Downtown – Uncle Wolfie’s House Bloody
OK, I have a confession to make on this one. At this point, I didn’t think I could stomach another full bloody mary, so I asked if they could make me a half one. Yes, in retrospect I feel like a wimp, but listen – I’m just a little guy. OK? I’m short and I wear glasses and I can only bench press 245. I can’t handle this much freakin’ acid in my gut. (Bet you didn’t expect me to shamelessly drop a brag about my bench press in here, did you? Well, listen we’re four bloody marys deep here – I’m getting even more obnoxious than usual.)
Uncle Wolfie’s serves a nice bloody mary – simple, classy, not too nuts on the garnishes. It’s fitting for the cool vibe of the restaurant. This is one for someone who really just appreciates the taste of a bloody to sip and doesn’t need outlandish accoutrements. Also, unrelated to the bloody, I had the Big McAllister burger here, and oh my lord. Delicious. Phenomenal. No joke, one of the best burgers I’ve ever had.
Café Benelux – The Milwaukeean
So on my initial run to try bloody marys, this place had a 20-minute wait and the bar was full. And frankly, at this point, I was suffering a little bit. You know, four drinks isn’t really that many drinks – but four bloody marys is kind of a lot of bloody marys. A game-time decision was made, and that decision was, “Archer, I’m not doing this anymore. Let’s go buy books.” Which honestly, I was cool with. We went to Downtown Books nearby, and I bought some paperbacks: a biography of Thomas More, The Boys on the Bus by Timothy Crouse, Phillip Roth’s The Counterlife. It was great. Although I’m a little worried because I think my breath was starting to smell like straight-up vodka and tomato from as far as probably two or three yards away. I really hope I didn’t breathe on any book-shoppers and ruin their afternoon.
SEE MORE OF ARCHER’S FAVORITE BOOKS HERE
I’m getting off track. What I’m trying to say is that I returned to Café Benelux a while later to try their Milwaukeean bloody mary. Having recovered slightly from the quad-bloody experience, I was able to bring fresh tastebuds and a once-again functioning gut to the experience. And I can say that “The Milwaukeean” stacks up nicely against the rest of the bloodys I tried taste-wise, but it has them all beat in the fancy packaging department. The drink came in a glass can with a nice little custom label on it. I appreciate that next-level aesthetic touch – it gave me the strength necessary to consume a fifth and thank God final bloody mary.
Well, that’s the end of the article. Normally at this point, I might say something about trying more of Milwaukee’s many bloody marys but I’m not going to make that promise until I have at least a week or two to let my stomach recover.
