Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Sept. 24

Megan Thee Stallion hunts ghosts, Waukesha cops get electric bikes, a Bay View gallery is hosting a “Twin Peaks” show and much more.

A Twin Peaks Gallery Show

Stop by Alive and Fine, a vintage store in Bay View on Friday, Oct. 8 from 5-10 p.m. for a “Twin Peaks”-themed gallery show. “Twin Peaks” is one of the best shows ever. And its third season revival in 2017, “Twin Peaks: The Return,” is something else, entirely. Eighteen hours of television too strange and delightful to explain in mere words. After the show, the Cactus Club is hosting an afterparty with a “Miss Twin Peaks” costume contest, which I for one will absolutely be participating in. My Dougie Jones is top notch. 

Megan Thee Stallion, Ghost Hunter

Before her Summerfest performance last weekend, Megan Thee Stallion stayed at the Pfister. She was eventually told that … I’m sorry but I have to … There’s some ghosts in this house. Thee Stallion decided to investigate, and we were treated to this video on Twitter. I like to imagine the phantom of a wealthy industrialist from 1897 running into Megan and her crew in the hallway. “This woman believes she is a stallion, you say? A bizarre contention indeed. And she’s some sort of musician? Might I hear a selection from one of her tunes? … Oh, dear Lord!”

Waukesha Cops Are Cruising on Electric Bikes

Senior Detective Rollo McTingting of the Waukesha Police Department sat on the steps of the post office sipping from his flask. “Back in my day, bikes were like beatings,” he said. “They were meant for children.”

“You gotta get with the times, Rollo,” said his partner Junior Detective Denise LeFrankfurt. “It’s a brave new world. Cops in Waukesha’s bike patrol are now using electric bikes to patrol the streets. The Firehouse Subs’ Public Safety Foundation gave the department an $18,399 grant to pay for the electric bikes. It’s kinda cool.”

Rollo spit on the sidewalk. “Cops riding around on little scooty-scoot bikes. Pathetic. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I like my cops how I like my eggs. Running.”

“Wouldn’t ‘hard-boiled’ be a better choice there?” Denise said.

Rollo stood up and shoved his finger in Denise’s face. “If you don’t keep your comments to yourself, your career’s gonna end up like the rulebook. In the trash.”

“What rulebook?”

“The one they give to cops that I threw in the trash because I’m a rule-breaker maverick detective who does whatever’s needed to solve the case.”

“Oh, ok. It’s not really a good line if you have to explain it.”

“You know what Denise? How about you act like my son. Stop talking to me.”

 

 

The Ryder Cup is Happening

I played golf once. Actually, it was more like I drank heavily and chain smoked while wielding a club around a field, but honestly I’d say that’s pretty close to the authentic golf experience. Anyways, the Ryder Cup is going on up at Whistling Straits this week. I was supposed to report on it, but that did not work out at all (if you want to read a 1500-word mini-odyssey about the experience, click here).

Lights Under I-794 Win an Award

The day was Nov. 3, 2020. I was hanging out under the interstate, as I often do, engaging in business transactions of various sorts, when suddenly the entire freeway above was lit up blue and red. I, of course, dove into the nearest dumpster. After an hour, I realized that the lights were coming from a new installation underneath I-794. Part of the “Brighten the Passage” project, the new programmable lights turned the area under the freeway into a bright, colorful, pleasant place to be at night. Now, nearly a year later, that lighting project netted Milwaukee Downtown Inc. the Downtown Achievement Award of Excellence from the International Downtown Association. Of course, this means business must be conducted elsewhere for the forseeable the future, but that’s my concern not yours, dear reader.

The First Day of Autumn

Wednesday marked the official first day of Autumn, the greatest season. It was a fittingly cold day to start the season, gray and kinda depressing. Man, I’m already excited. Listen here, I’m about to spit a few fiery opinions:

A Definitive Ranking of the Seasons That is Totally Correct and Not Stupid:

  1. Autumn
  2. Spring
  3. Winter
  4. Summer

Some people get worked up about politics and injustice or whatever. Not me. I save my pig-headed righteousness for seasonal opinions, and damn it I will fight a man over this. The core of the ranking is the division between the transition seasons, Autumn and spring, and the set seasons, winter and summer.

The set seasons are slogs – day after day with more of the same. The repetition is worse than the actual weather. The transition seasons are the best because they are all about change. Temperatures are moving, leaves are changing, and the world is interesting again. Autumn and spring break the pattern of the previous season and as a result breathe new life into this dreary existence of ours. Sweaters are pulled out of closets. Cider is brewed. Everything feels just a little different for a few weeks until the slow slide down the thermometer ends in Winter and the slog starts anew.

Thank you all for attending my Ted Talk. I’ll be signing copies of my book, Big Important Opinions Worth Your Time in my basement tonight, if you care to stop by.

Photo by Getty Images

Summerfest Attendance

Attendance at this year’s Summerfest was kind of like my third marriage. Bad.

The festival pulled in 409,386 people. In 2019, it had 718,144, which at the time was the lowest Summerfest attendance since 1986. Milwaukee World Festival Inc., which runs the show, attributed the low numbers, in part, to the rainy Labor Day weekend, lack of public transportation and new entry protocols, like folks having to show their vaccine cards or negative COVID test. Well, hey, let’s look on the bright side. Unlike my third marriage, at least no one came out of it with any diseases.

Photo by Visit Milwaukee

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.