Oak Creek Cop Rescues Cat
The following preview has been approved for all audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America. In a world where the streets are cold, and the people are colder, one police officer will find that being a hero doesn’t mean you have to be purr-fect. Starring Saoirse Ronan, as a 22-year-old woman whose cat escaped its stroller and got caught in a thorn bush, and Scarlett Johansson as the Oak Creek Patrol Officer who saved her furry friend, this heartwarming true story shows us all that sometimes the real meaning of Christmas is inside the heart of a cat. Figuratively. Critics are saying, “Probably should have been, like, five minutes long max,” and “I really wasn’t expecting them to address the homelessness crisis in this thing, but by God, they sure tried.” From Director David Lynch, The Cat in the Bush. Sometimes you rescue the cat, and sometimes … it rescues you. Coming to HBO Max this month.
Dave Chappelle is Headlining Summerfest
There’s nothing better than stand-up comedy. Except maybe the slightest sign of affection from my emotionally distant wife, am I right? Ha ha ha, you’ve all been great, thanks for coming out tonight. They call me Standup Larry – I’ll be here all week. And if you love standup as much as I love even just a brief glance from her that isn’t overflowing with bitterness, then I have good news for you because Dave Chappelle is headlining Summerfest this year. He’s the first ever standup to do that. Kind of like my wife was the first ever woman to ever tell me she loved me, and you know I thought that meant something, but hey, guess not. I guess Joel Durango of Durango’s Auto Parts is just as good as me, huh? You think I don’t know where you’ve been every night? Just because he owns his own business, and I can’t pay rent? Miserable, lying … So anyways, go see Chappelle, have fun, enjoy some laughs before your heart gets torn out and you have to stand up on this stage and try to make a bunch of fat losers who wouldn’t know a good joke if it hit them right in the – Who threw that? What, you can’t take a joke?
Big Boy Returns
If you thought that David Lynch reference up there was just a throwaway joke, you were wrong! It’s one of many carefully chosen references in this interconnecting web of Ups and Downs. Lynch, legendary director of such films as Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet, and the perennially underrated The Straight Story (and also, “Twin Peaks”), ate lunch at the Bob’s Big Boy on Riverside Drive in Burbank, California every day for seven years. He held his meetings there, thought up ideas, and drank inhuman amounts of coffee. Ever since I’ve first read about that I wanted to patronize a Big Boy in tribute to him, and now finally, I can. A new Big Boy is coming to Capitol Drive in Germantown this summer. I can’t wait to post up in a booth with a mug of coffee in one hand and a pen in the other and write some intensely weird crap.
The SafeHouse is Back
Milwaukee’s beloved spy-themed bar is back in action. The SafeHouse opened back up Wednesday, and it was up to all its usual tricks – passwords at the door, spy memorabilia on the walls, “agents” instead of “diners.” But of course we know that’s all ridiculous. Real spies leave their motherland at a young age and are smuggled into American communities, where they are raised by unsuspecting Americans and gradually ingratiate themselves into the country over decades, attending school, working as journalists at city magazines, developing contacts in government positions and stealing classified documentation, all so that Operation Dangling Petunia can successfully demolish criminal American economic system and make way for gradual and glorious возвращение справедливой коммунистической системы, чтобы править миром! … Oh, um, ha ha. Just joshing with you. You know how I am with the jokes.
Pickleball Courts Under 1-794
I still remember when I first played pickleball. A delightful young woman invited me to a game on a Saturday morning, and hoping to impress her I spent the week practicing. When I arrived, I threw a dill pickle with great force and accuracy directly at her face. That was when I learned that pickleball is actually a sort of tennis/badminton thing. Not throwing pickles at faces. She has a restraining order against me now. Long story. Anyways, the city built some new pickle ball courts under I-794 near the public market – “Riverwalk Commons Pickleball.” The new courts are part of the “Brighten the Passage” project, which is aimed at making the corridor between the Third Ward and Downtown fancy. Pretty cool use of land.
Milwaukee Improv Comedy Club Opening
Hey, hey, guys. You having a good night? I’m back. Unlike my wife. But why talk about that witch when we can talk about Milwaukee Improv. The brand new comedy club is opening up at The Corners of Brookfield on Aug. 20. Kinda the opposite of how my wife closed her heart to me at … Hey! Who shut off my mic?
Aaron Rodgers Skips Minicamp
“This Super Bowl-winning quarterback and future game show host was a no-show at the first mandatory minicamp of the Packers’ 2021 season.” “Uh … James Buchanan?” “No, idiot, Aaron Rodgers.” After expressing some ennui over the Packers drafting a young QB, Rodgers has taken the next step in the surprisingly high school drama-esque world of professional sports and skipped practice. This is not a good sign. His future with the team has been looking iffy for a while, and after this we’re talking super iffy. But heck, what’s the NFL without fans brutally turning on formerly beloved players who disappoint us? Remember when Brett Favre became a Viking? Man, that was fun.