A Lady Went to 457 Kwik Trips in One Year
Have you ever spoken to a serious Kwik Trip person? Like the type of person who gets wedding photos done there? It feels a little like:
“Hello, my name is Brother Jonathan. Do you have time to hear about our lord and savior Kwik Trip? On the day of judgement, he will fill the Kwik Rewards cards of the chosen with savings magnificent to behold. And the damned, he will cast into Speedway.”
Well, we may have discovered the pope of this particular church. Cassandra Berge, “Kwik Trip girl,” visited 457 Wisconsin Kwik Trips this past year, for a total of about 10,000 miles of travel. She documented the feat in a YouTube series called “KT Bound with Cassandra,” which she made in partnership with holy KT itself. She made her 457th, and final, visit this Wednesday at a Kwik Trip in Holmen.
Milwaukee Playing Both Sides
Milwaukee had its heart broken. Bad. We thought the Democratic National Convention was the love of our lives when they chose us to host the 2020 convention, and then they left us at the altar, looking like complete idiots. That two-timer is probably off with Minneapolis right now.
We spent six months eating ice cream and sending drunk, 3 a.m. text messages, but then we turned a corner. We hardened our hearts. And now Milwaukee is a pimp.
We don’t chase no more. We play. We don’t offer the DNC our hearts, our love, our hopes, only to get spit on. We do the spitting — spitting game that is. That’s why this week, while still actively angling for the DNC to come back in 2024, we also put in a bid for the Republican National Convention, a.k.a the DNC’s long-estranged sister, to come to Milwaukee the same year. Now we’re pitting them against each other, working both sides. We’re emotionless, stone-cold pick-up artists out to break some hearts, baby, because we will never, *sniff*, ever let someone hurt us like you did again, DNC.
300 New Speed Bumps in MKE
I’m sick and tired of all these reckless drivers in Milwaukee. Just the other day, I was driving down the street and not one, not two, but three people cut me off in just one minute. The last one even had the nerve to make a rude gesture and scream, “You can’t drive a lawnmower on the interstate, jackass.” Unbelievable. So I’m glad to see that the city is taking steps to combat it. The city of Milwaukee is now planning to install 300 new speed bumps on residential streets to stop these psychos.
Free Miller Lite Bus Rides on New Year’s Eve
If you’re like me, you’ll spend New Year’s Eve in your freezing cold garage doing pullups until you can no longer feel your arms or the emptiness in your soul, and when the clock strikes midnight, as tears stream down your face, you’ll crank out a superset of burpees, and whisper, “New year. New gains,” and then choke down protein powder until you vomit.
But if you’re not like me, you’ll probably be drinking. And if you’re a responsible person, you’ll be happy to here that Molson Coors has once again sponsored Miller Lite Free Rides on New Years’ Eve. From 8 p.m. until 4 a.m., rides on the Milwaukee County Transit System will be completely free, unlike these gains.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
Crazy Wind
Wisconsin got hit with wild winds Wednesday night into Thursday. Gusts rose as high as 66 miles per hour in Sheboygan and were averaging in the 20-30 range throughout the night. Trees were knocked down and around 77,000 people lost power. Man, I haven’t seen a wind attack this bad since the last time I ate the sticky bean burrito at Taco Bell.
NOTE: This is the third time in the history of this Ups/Downs column that I’ve made a nearly identical joke about passing gas and/or using the bathroom after eating burritos. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t, and I know I’ll regret it later, but I can’t stop myself. Kind of like the last time I ate the chimmy chimmy chunga supreme at Taco … damn it.
