Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Nov. 19

Wondering what you missed in Milwaukee this week, Nov. 19? Well, do I have the column for you.

The City Extends the Annual Leaf Pickup Deadline by One Week

Originally, the Department of Public Works deadline for leaf pickup was Nov. 14. But then, get this, they extended the deadline by a week to Nov. 21 to give folks more time. What a concept! Imagine how crazy it would be if other people extended deadlines. For example, how about … I don’t know … maybe an editor looking for a joke column for their city magazine website? Wow, that would sure be something else, huh? Maybe with an extended deadline, that hypothetical editor would get better content than a 110-word blurb about the city picking up freaking leaves a week later than expected. But I guess we’ll never know.

Corbin Burnes Wins the Cy Young

If you’re like me, the first thing you thought when you heard the news that Corbin Burnes took home the Cy Young award was, “Who’s Corbin Burnes?” and “What’s the Cy Young?” and “Why can I never find a pair of jeans that fit?”

Well, it turns out Corbin Burnes is a Brewers guy, and the Cy Young Award is a big deal baseball thing that the Brewers haven’t won since 1982, and the jeans thing is because I have unusually curvaceous hips for a man.

The Milwaukee Air and Water Show Is Back, Baby

After being canceled two years in a row, the Milwaukee Air and Water Show is officially making its return this summer, July 23-24. We’ve missed the spectacle. These past two years, the only Air and Water Show I’ve seen was in the bathroom that time I ate five sticky bean burritos.

UPDATE: After I wrote that awful toilet joke, I was hit with a sneaking suspicion that I’d already heard it before. I went searching and found this old Ups and Downs column I wrote back when the Air and Water Show was canceled last June. I made an almost identical joke, except it was slightly more clever. This is a very bad sign. I’m plagiarizing myself, but worse. I haven’t been this embarrassed seeing a joke since the last time I looked in the mirror.

Air and Water Show; photo by Caroline Blair

Downtown Milwaukee Gets a Bunch of Lights

On Thursday, Downtown Milwaukee lit up with over 500,000 lights for the Holiday Lights Festival. The lights are focused around Cathedral Square Park, Pere Marquette Park and Zeidler Union Square, and run along 18 blocks of Wisconsin Avenue. It’s great to start getting into the Christmas spirit a little bit, and of course, the more lights we have out there, the less territory the twisted beasts of the night have under their unholy control. This makes the endless, painful battle Van Helsing and I have been waging against those demons somewhat easier, so that’s pretty cool. Season’s Greetings, folks!

Photo by Visit Milwaukee

 

 

Is Giannis Going to Leave Milwaukee???

This week, GQ named Giannis Antetokounmpo its “Athlete of the Year.” When we saw this, we thought, “Hey. Good,” and then we read the article and thought, “Hey. Bad.”

Giannis says that he might be leaving our city someday: “One challenge was to bring a championship here and we did. It was very hard, but we did. Very, very hard. I just love challenges. What’s the next challenge? The next challenge might not be here. Me and my family chose to stay in this city that we all love and has taken care of us – for now. In two years, that might change. I’m being totally honest with you.”

Wait, what? Really? Damn it. We all knew it was too good to be true. You need a challenge, Giannis? We can come up with challenges, man. Just hold on a sec.

Ok, ok, how about this? For every ten baskets you make, you have to read a work of Victorian fiction and write a 20-page analysis with at least five secondary sources. Is that challenging enough? Please say it is. What if we make you play while sitting on the shoulders of a 5-foot-3 little chubby fella? And every ten seconds, he bites your toes. Not enough? We can find you challenges outside of basketball. What about Monster truck racing! One-legged horseshoe tossing? Monster truck racing but everything’s on fire!?!?

Giannis. Look us in the eyes. We will set an entire city block on fire and drive flaming dump trucks full of screaming mongooses through there, if it will make you happy. Just please don’t leave us.

Photo courtesy of Milwaukee Bucks

The Longest Partial Lunar Eclipse in Almost 600 Years Happened Friday Morning

From about 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. Friday morning, the moon was partially eclipsed. It was a cool sight, and everyone seemed to enjoy it, but that’s just because people are selfish and they don’t think about anyone but themselves. Some of us have … issues, and a partial lunar eclipse can really … exacerbate those issues. Frankly, I wish there was more sensitivity around people who are … not entirely conventionally … human. I mean, do you have any idea how painful it is to only half-transform into a … you know what? Never mind. I hope you enjoyed your dumb eclipse.  

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.