Dear Nikol,
I really think my girlfriend is great. I love spending time with her alone and I have never had as much fun as I have with her. She’s a kind person; giving, loving, smart, and talented.
However, she is not funny – at all. Now, I’m not one of those guys who thinks sense of humor is the #1 thing I look for in a person, so that isn’t the issue. The issue is that when we’re out and around other people she tries to make jokes and they suck hard. She then follows it up with this donkey bray laughter, and later she even repeats the stuff she said in case we missed it the first time. She thinks she’s hilarious. Sometimes after we leave a place she’ll rehash all the stuff she said and tell me how she thinks everyone loved the jokes.
She talks about how comedy is a gift she was born with. An example is that one time we were at my aunt’s house and she accidentally broke a candlestick and then said, “At least now it won’t make your husband feel inferior.” My family is so prudish and they were not very happy that night, but her reaction was to call everyone and tell them about the great joke she made.
I don’t want her to feel bad, but I need her to know that her jokes make people not want to hang out with her. What can I say to her, or do I just keep my mouth shut?
– Stand Down Comedy
Dear Stand Down Comedy,
Well, you certainly need to tell her, and not just because she is in danger of alienating your friends and family. If you really enjoy your girlfriend you need to tell her because she’s in danger of alienating you.
Most times when we date someone and they have habits, quirks, or mannerisms that annoy us we can eventually let the other person know about it. Say, they like to quote Austin Powers, or they click their fingernails on the table when they’re nervous. Or maybe they don’t use bags for vegetables at the grocery store. There are so many of these small details. If people like each other they eventually come out with it, and hopefully the offending quirkster isn’t upset and stops leaving hair clumps in the shower.
In other cases, if there is something that is so much a part of someone that they find joy in it and identify with it and you tell them you hate it, it can really stir up some hurt feelings. Think of the dude who believes he’s a good dancer, when really he just looks silly and the reason people smile is that they think he’s mentally challenged.
In your case you’re dealing with something people can get really testy over. Sense of humor is always listed as something important in a relationship, yes, but what people really mean is: I like a sense of humor that matches my own. Humor is subjective and it may very well be that some other guy would think your girlfriend is pretty funny. Perhaps someone in the past even encouraged her to let her off-color jokes fly. So, even if you confront her and say that she isn’t hilarious, she may just think that you don’t get it. It seems she thinks everyone else is laughing, so she may accuse you of being a humorless turd.
The best way to approach her is to talk to her about the old “Time-And-Place” rule. It is much more gentle to say to her that a few people are sensitive, so it’s best to play it safe. Let her know that at times people become uncomfortable with such a brazen style of humor. Some people just aren’t ready for it.
If she persists, you may reach a point where you have to be direct and tell her that it embarrasses you. This is no easy thing to hear or to say, and most often would lead to the kind of argument that leaves both people with a fight hangover. If it reaches that point, keep her feelings in mind. It’s horrifying to discover that someone you love has been unhappy with some part of you that you thought they loved. Remind her that you understand her feelings and that you don’t want to hurt her.
In the end, you’ll either end up stronger because of the honesty or breaking up because of it. But if you don’t say anything at all you’ll eventually find yourself worn down and even the stuff you love about her will seem less enjoyable.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
