When some scientist devises the Theory of Everything (early favorite: whoever invented the iPhone), I hope I’m alive to see it. First, it should definitely help get Ted Williams defrosted. And, of course, there’s the whole time travel thing. (The year: 1982. The mission: Kidnap Joaquin Andujar). But the thing I’m truly looking forward to is an explanation for mankind’s biggest riddle.
That Lambeau Field Mystique.
Let’s be honest with each other. When you saw the Packers go down 14-0, mainly because Ryan Grant treated the football like a live hand grenade, you were three seconds from grating your Cheesehead. All that blood and sweat and spittle to go 13-3 was going to culminate in this – the worst big-moment letdown since “Seinfeld” signed off? But as your body instinctively curled into the fetal position, you forgot about the Mystique.
Brett Favre, now polling 23 points higher than Barack Obama and John McCain, rallied the troops to one touchdown. Then, after Favre added “replay official” to his résumé on the Bubba Franks stretch play, the Pack scored five more in a row. In the meantime, Grant went from suicide watch to superhero and Admiral Peary mushed by on a dogsled. How and why, who knows? We’ll just have to wait for the scientists.
But here’s the best part. When Giants cornerback R.W. McQuarters picked off Tony “Mexican Riviera” Romo early Sunday evening, it meant two things. First, we got to see the softer side of Terrell Owens. But more importantly, we get one more day of Lambeau Leaps.
Make way for more Mystique. And on to the week in review.
Monday, Jan. 7
Roger Clemens holds a press conference, during which he plays a tape exploiting the sick and dying child of former trainer Brian McNamee, who’s accused Clemens of using steroids. By unanimous accord, Hall of Fame voters elect to change the Rocket’s nickname to Scum.
Meanwhile, as Clemens is taken to task by sportswriters across the country, Barry Bonds applies an extra stamp to a thank-you note, just to make sure it gets all the way to Texas.
Tuesday, Jan. 8
The long-suffering Milwaukee Bucks beat Philadelphia on the road and then…
Wednesday, Jan. 9
… return home to defeat Dwyane Wade’s Miami Heat, generating the team’s first three-game winning streak since November. Moreover, Mo Williams looks great scoring 25 points, and Andrew Bogut continues to step up his play. So good for the Bucks, especially since that West Coast trip hasn’t started yet.
Also, reports surface that Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown will wear pants equipped with battery-powered heaters for Saturday’s game at Lambeau. So when the Packers kick his butt, at least it will be toasty warm.
Thursday, Jan. 10
Portland Oregonian writer John Canzano starts a rumor that the Bucks will soon trade for perennial problem child Zach Randolph. But it’s soon shot down by various media outlets, including an excellent Bucks blog called TheBratwurst.com. New Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn quickly calls a press conference to express his “gratitude and relief.”
Also, in the wee morning hours, GSN (The Game Show Network) broadcasts a classic show from 1962 that starts with these words: “My name is Liberace, and I’ve Got A Secret.” What’s this got to do with sports? Well, Wilt Chamberlain was on the same episode, but let’s leave the rumors to Canzano.
Friday, Jan. 11
The Sports Nut, to the universal astonishment of Vegas bookmakers, celebrates his fifth wedding anniversary. “We didn’t think she’d put up with him for six months,” says Vito “Three Chins” Cannoli. “Fortunately, neither did the bettors, and we really cashed in on this one.”
Saturday, Jan. 12
Media outlets throughout Wisconsin agree that some newsworthy stuff probably happened somewhere, but apologize for not covering it because, you know, the Packers won.
Meanwhile, the New England Patriots easily dispatch Jacksonville, 31-20, further proof that Satan is indeed holding up his end of the bargain.
Sunday, Jan. 13
Archie Manning calls his son Peyton “a thoughtful big brother” for allowing Eli to finally have the spotlight to himself.
And finally, in a heartfelt-but-private blog entry, Donovan McNabb muses that if Terrell Owens had cried for him “just once,” they might still be together and have two Super Bowl rings.
Be sure to listen Tuesday mornings from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. as I join Doug Russell and Mike Wickett on SportsRadio 1250. And stop by our Bar Time column on your way out.
