Dear Nikol,
My husband works at a really large company with offices all over the country. His position requires him to travel a lot. We’ve been together for 12 years, and we have gotten used to being apart. We adjusted to it, and it makes the time we spend together great. Also, since we have to talk on the phone or send emails, we communicate very well without resorting to games and b.s.
About two years ago, the company hired a woman at one of their other offices. I have never seen my husband so excited about a new employee. Those two were like old pals immediately. I got the chance to meet her when she was down here in Texas, and I admit that I can see why. I adore her, too. She’s funny, fun to be around, completely humble and still good at everything she does. He never hides their conversations, and she always makes it a point to get me on the phone and catch up. The trouble is, this woman is kind of a playgirl. She can walk into a room and have both women and men swarming and scrambling to be around her, and all she has to do is pick one out and they’re all hers.
I trust them totally. I think. I mean, they’ve given me no reason not to trust them. It’s just that I really get anxious every time he travels out to Boston because I know those two are going to be drinking whiskey and playing cards when they aren’t working. And even though I trust the heck out of them, I also know that she has some kind of weird superpower. I think it’s her eyes. I came really close to trying to kiss her once because her eyes are so sensual. I guess I’m afraid that one of these nights they’ll have too many drinks and it’ll just happen. How can I stop feeling this way?
– Hates Being Jealous
Dear Jealous,
It’s so unfair when a woman has sex appeal, brains, humor, the good sense to stay single and is likable. She’s supposed to have a rotten personality so we can detest her and have good reason to keep our men away from her. I’m pretty sure that’s a law and she’s breaking it, but she’d charm anyone who tried to arrest her for it, so it’s a catch-22.
I’m going to assume, with all of your communicating that you do so well with your husband, that you’ve mentioned your anxieties. I’m going to hope you didn’t do it in that underhanded, “Oh, so you hung out with the bombshell last night. Did you two make out? (hahaaha, see, I’m laughing because I’m kidding, but really, tell me now, did you?)” way. That is the wrong way. You should be completely transparent with him and calm as you explain your fears. But explaining them won’t necessarily make them go away.
In fact, they may never go away entirely. If they keep working together and keep spending time together, you may always feel a little twinge of panic over the possible drunken make-out session. The point in explaining them to your husband is that he now knows to be sensitive toward you when those trips arrive. A few major tips for talking to him about this:
1.) Make sure he knows damn well that this conversation is between the two of you. It is such bullshit when you tell your partner you are jealous over someone else and then they tell that someone else about it. I don’t care how superawesomeamazing this woman is, she is not a part of your marriage, and this is between the two of you only.
2.) Even though this is all about you being able to say what you need to say, be prepared for him to react strangely. He may listen to you, rub your back and be very understanding. But he also may feel accused, awkward, and possibly even guilty. It may be that he has a bit of a crush on this woman but hasn’t fessed up.
3.) Encourage total honesty by being totally honest. Give him the chance to talk about any feelings he may have, and be prepared not to flip out if he answers in a way you don’t like.
As you know after 12 years of marriage, that talk can only go so far. The real test is how the both of you handle his next trip. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him for some reassurance before those trips. Don’t be a whiny needy sack of sad over it. It can even be funny. “Travel safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t sleep with any co-workers!” I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that if the two of them are spending time one on one, they don’t do it in hotel rooms with hard liquor.
And in the mean time, if you get a dreamy feeling in your belly when you look into her eyes, maybe you should be thinking threesomes. Or not. Or maybe. (But that’s another column.)
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
