illustration by Stuart Bradford
We’re all going to kick the bucket some day. Odds are we’ll curl up our toes without trying all those exciting adventures we’d always meant to do. In the recent and thoroughly mediocre film The Bucket List, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman play two men who know they are dying with little time left. So they make a list of all the cool things to do before they die, overact a bit as they do them, and die fulfilled. A nice Hollywood ending. Hoping you get the same sweet ending, your friends at Milwaukee Magazine have decided to deliver the same prognosis – you are going to die – and make a list of all those thrilling and romantic things you could do. Your assignment, should you accept it, is simple: Enjoy yourself; it’s later than you think.
1. Feed your need for speed:
Nothing makes you feel alive like burying the needle on you speedometer just before entering a tight turn on a racetrack. Even if you drive a Scion, renting a few hours at the Milwaukee Mile racetrack will provide an epic experience to chalk up in the “best moments of life” category. The track can be rented for an afternoon for between $1,800 and $3,500, depending on the day of the week and time of year.
2. Get it on in public:
Much cheaper, but could be just as intense. Make out with a lover in Lake Park like it’s the last time you’ll kiss. Because it could be.
3. Eat a Zombie:
Even though you may feel like the undead after you eat a Zombie at Gilles (7515 W. Bluemound Rd., 414-453-4875), you will definitely feel alive while shoveling down its $6.70 worth of custard, bananas, pineapple, strawberries, chopped nuts, jimmies and cherries.
4. Booze cruise:
You might think you know the city like the back of your hand, but it still has its surprises. Cruising by boat down the Milwaukee River offers a perspective on the city you can’t get any other way. Pack a cooler and charter a pontoon boat from Riverwalk Boat Tours and Rentals for a day of nautical escapades ($295). Dock for dinner along the way or just stay adrift and watch the landlubbers while you do boat things.
5. Outlast an institution:
Even though Wolski’s Tavern, which has been around since 1908, will probably outlive you, you can at least celebrate a long local tradition and be there when it closes for the night. Every Milwaukeean has to do it at least once and get the bumper sticker to prove it.
6. Get bad to the bone:
Even if you’re a computer nerd, teach Sunday school or need a spotter when bench-pressing 90 pounds, it doesn’t mean you can’t fake being a freewheeling, ruffian badass at least once in your life. Just get yourself some head-to-toe leather (fringe and any color besides black not recommended) and rent a Milwaukee-born steel steed from House of Harley (6221 W. Layton Ave., 866-296-7779). Saddle up your Harley-Davidson motorcycle, practice an “I don’t care about nothin’ ’’ look, and off you go inspiring minivan pilots to lock their doors.
7. A Taste of Heaven:
Sometimes you have to splurge to get the experience of a lifetime. After all, you’ll eventually enter the ultimate tax shelter and money won’t matter. Milwaukee has one of the country’s finest restaurants in Sanford (1547 N. Jackson St., 414-276-9608). No matter what you order, you’ll swear you’ve died and gone to heaven, but your bucket list really should include the chef’s seven-course tasting menu with wine pairings for $125.
8. Chill out:
Before you permanently assume room temperature, experience the rush of plunging into icy Lake Michigan on New Year’s Day with the Milwaukee Polar Bear Club. Just show up and jump in.
9. Get violated:
Perhaps the closest you’ll come to knowing just how grabby the undertaker will get with your body is by seeing a concert at The Rave. The venue’s security is thorough to say the least. Now being treated like a Supermax prisoner, getting ripped off on bad drinks, then having your ears blasted in the concrete echo chamber of The Rave may not sound like fun (it’s not), but it’s an essential Milwaukee experience and might give you a taste of what hell is all about.
10. See what you’re made of:
Nothing puts you in the moment quite like going toe to toe with someone who wants to destroy you for prize money. The Milwaukee Rumble can make those Rocky dreams possible – and then some. Open to the public, the contest allows Joe or Jane Citizen to throw a hat in the ring and compete for $1,000. Go to milwaukeerumble.comor call 888-99-TOUGH for more information.
11. Get your 15 minutes of fame:
Before you go off to play harp duets with Hoffa, take a chance by performing at one of the city’s open jams. Can’t play anything? Sing. Can’t sing or play anything? Tell them you’re a drummer. Venues offering a chance for immortality include Club 11 (country, Sundays), Up & Under Pub (blues, Mondays) and Treats (jazz, Wednesdays).
12. Look down on people:
Those who have had near-death experiences report they were floating above their body when they flatlined. There’s no guarantee you’ll like that experience (and you probably won’t have much control over it), so why not get a good aerial view of the places you love while you’re still kicking. Midwestern Helicopter can fly you over whatever you want to see. Charter rates: $465/hour.
13. One last dance:
There probably won’t be polka dancing in heaven, as by definition, paradise won’t allow accordions. But Milwaukee has plenty and as a Milwaukeean you really should learn to move your pierogi properly. Go to Kochanski’s Concertina Beer Hall (1920 S. 37th St., 414-837-6552) on Thursday nights. They’ll teach you.
14. Go the distance:
Running a marathon is a feat of physical and mental fortitude that will give you irrevocable bragging rights for the rest of your days. Start training now for Milwaukee’s Lakefront Marathon in October and think of all the runner’s highs you’ll experience during the months of training. For more info, visit badgerlandstriders.org.
15. Hear the fat lady sing:
It would be a tragedy fit for a libretto if you lived your whole life having never experienced the opera. Put on your best duds, procure a pair of opera glasses (binoculars attached to a stick) and pick up some tickets for a Florentine Opera performance ($28-$137).
16. Toast the sunset:
Pick up a bottle of 2001 Penfolds Grange – an Australian Shiraz that’s the pinnacle of the style – from Ray’s Liquor ($199.99; 8930 W. North Ave., Wauwatosa, 414-258-9821) and head to the lakefront on a warm summer night. Watch the sky slowly darken, listen to the waves lapping the breakwater, and savor the ripe fruit of the earth.
17. Test the laws of gravity:
Nothing affirms life like putting yourself in mortal danger. Jumping out of an airplane at 14,500 feet strapped to a total stranger qualifies. Sky Knights in East Troy will arrange for you to freefall for 50 seconds without having to do anything but scream and control your bodily functions. During these tandem jumps ($169 weekdays, $189 weekends), you’ll be harnessed to an instructor who takes care of pulling the ripcord and piloting the canopy to a safe landing while you just enjoy the ride. For more information, visit skydivemilwaukee.com or call 262-642-9494.
