Dear Nikol,
Recently I’ve moved to a new town to start graduate school. I’ve lost touch with all my friends and as a rather anti-social person, I find it hard to make new friends.
I usually spend time in my apartment without much human contact. Thankfully, one of my neighbors has become my close, and sadly only, friend here in my new town. The friendship began while thunderstorm ravaged the area and we were all told via radio and TV that this storm could possibly turn into a Tornado. Being new to the town, I was worried. I sheepishly went next door and asked my neighbor what the procedures were. She was very kind and told me what to do. I left, but about 5 minutes later she was at my door to invite me over in case of the worst weather.
We became fast friends, always together, until she found a boyfriend. Now that she has him, she doesn’t have time for me anymore. I’m not surprised, as she is an attractive woman. Actually, that’s the real problem. I find myself really attracted to her, and not just her looks. She is a good person.
We’ve talked about it in the past and she has told me that I don’t have enough “experience to date her.” She puts me down in a lot of ways by saying that I am not mature enough, but still I really want to be with her.
I don’t know what it is about her. It might be that she’s the only girl I know in town and I am too scared to meet other people. It might be that I really want to be with her. Am I an idiot for still wanting to be with her romantically or should I just try and focus on the friendship?
-Lonely and Confused
Dear Lonely and Confused,
You poor, shy thing. I want to start really simply for you by saying this: She’s not interested. She can tell you that it has to do with your experience, but what she is telling you – and has told you over and over – is that she doesn’t want to date you. You could probably spend the next few years getting crazy amounts of relationship experience points and take her a resume, but I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that she will have another excuse for you then.
When a friend approaches another friend to confess that they are attracted to them, it can be really difficult to muster the courage to just be honest. There is risk that the friendship will be lost. There is risk that the person doing the rejecting will have to feel like an asshole for being frank. You say she’s a great person, and I have no doubt that she is because she obviously doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
That said, it is time for you to toughen up. You mentioned that meeting people is hard, and I agree. Meeting new people sucks a big egg, but unless you are comfortable being alone for a very long time, you need to screw up your courage and get out there. Mingle, peanut. Start with the Web. There is a dating site for just about every kind of person, and it can be so much easier to correspond with people online before meeting them in person. And if you never meet them in person, you just saved yourself the price of dinner and a movie and you can move on until you find someone who loves your lack of experience and your shyness.
You have to find somebody who can love every awkward bit of who you are. Give up on the neighbor. If you have to stop hanging out with her for a while to get over the crush, do it.
And next time there is a storm, my fingers are crossed that your new friend will be right there with you, holding the flashlight.
-Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
