Dear Nikol,
I just started high school and I met this guy in one of my classes. I really, really like him. We hang out pretty much every day and we’ve talked about having sex. Anyway, one time we were hanging out he showed me the two condoms in his pocket. He always has them when we hang out, just in case. When we hang out, yeah we make out – he’s felt me up, he’s fingered me and I’ve given him a hand job before. But when we get closer and closer to doing something, I pull away. I feel bad after doing that, but he always asks me are you sure you want to a thousand times and I always say yes. I’m really self conscious and nervous about the whole first time thing and even my body. If you can help me that’d be awesome. Gracias!
– Feisty but Quiet
Dear FBQ,
Dammit. Every part of me is screaming, “Too young! Too young! Too young!” Then I remember what it was like to be a teenager, and the “TOO YOUNG” goes all caps. You’re too young.
Your age, (14) only has a little bit to do with that, by the way. In our current social situation, while you may get slapped in the face with images of boobs, models in underwear, vampires being all sexi-fied, and media that portrays huge issues like teen parenting as cool, you may think you’re better prepared than earlier generations to start having sex. These images and ideas only make it more important that you educate yourself to a ridiculous point about your body, the male body, STIs, pregnancy, birth control, and the emotional side of becoming a sexually active person.
In reading your question, it is way clear that you are nowhere near ready to have sex. It may feel really good to make out with him, but when your head tells you to stop and pull away, stop and pull away. Also, the following things need to be in order:
1) Are you on birth control? Condoms are 86 percent effective. You need to be responsible for your own sexual health, which means birth control as well as making sure you’re confident enough that even in the heat of the sexual situation, you enforce the condom rule.
2) Have you talked through your feelings about sex? Do you have any thoughts or ideas about it that would make you feel bad about yourself if you did it? And if the guy you are seeing flakes out and stops talking to you after, how would you feel about yourself?
3) If your parents found out you were sexually active, how would they react? Are you ready to deal with that?
4) Have you and your boyfriend discussed what you would do if you got pregnant? If you’re comfortable enough to have sex with each other, you need to be comfortable enough to talk about everything.
5) Are you comfortable enough with yourself to be able to tell a partner what is okay and what isn’t? Many people don’t consider this until it’s too late and they end up doing things that they don’t want to do out of feelings of guilt, pressure, of self-conciseness.
Who knows if you’ll take this advice or if you’ll find your own way of doing this. If you take anything from this at all, please know that the sexual choices you make are your own responsibility, but they do not make you more or less valuable as a person.
– Nikol
P.S. You’re too young.
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
