Dear Nikol,
I’ve never been an Internet idiot, but I just joined an online dating site and have been talking to an interesting guy. I am 18, so technically, I can date whomever, but I’m still unsure about the age gap. His profile states his age as 24, and 6 years seems like too much. I have seen 18-year-old girls have good relationships with a mid-20s guy, but because this guy is from the Internet, that doesn’t alleviate my concern. I realize 20-somethings have more life experience and expect completely different things out of a relationship. I haven’t given the guy any personal info yet; the most he knows is my first name and age.
My plan for meeting him would go as follows: ask him via the Internet exactly what his intentions are, my misgivings about the age, etc. If he responds sincerely, I would then say that we can only meet in my town, in public, and probably with one or two of my own friends in case things are weird. From there, I’d need to give him my cell number for directions and when we do meet, but not my address or anything else.
I would like to get your advice. Your online video on “The Older Boyfriend” only spoke of girls in middle or high school, and I am at a university and am of legal age. I do feel like even considering going out with this guy is being an “Internet Idiot,” but every situation is unique, which is why I wanted to write you.
Thanks.
– Internet Idiot?
Dear Internet Idiot,
It sounds like you may be suffering from what I call “Fox News Affect Disorder.” This happens as the result of alarmist media representations of everything. And in your case it sounds like I may have had something to do with creating that alarm. In the video “Don’t Be An Idiot Online,” I give advice meant to teach young teens how to keep themselves safe from predators and crappy situations. However, there is a difference between what you’ve described and what I’m aiming to prevent.
You are 18 and in college, placing you into a kind of life-stage group beyond high school but before the serious settle down. You’ve placed yourself on an online dating site, so when you say that you’ll ask this guy what his intentions are, I’m pretty sure I can answer that; he’d like to date you. Most dating sites even remove the mystery of how involved a person is looking to get by listing options. You can say that you’re interested in long or short term dating, friendship only (yeah, right), or just hooking up.
The age difference between you and this guy might be an issue, but only if his idea of a fun night involves bars and 21 and over events. If the two of you got along and wanted to spend more time together, your age could get in the way. Also, if he spends time with his friends at these sorts of events and you couldn’t go, you might feel a bit neglected. It happens.
Other than that, if you two have nothing in common it probably has more to do with your personalities than your ages. If you’ve already been talking online, I’ll assume that you have some common interests, even if that interest is just that you find the other person to be hot.
Now let’s discuss meeting someone from the Internet in person for the first time. I’m glad you’re being cautious, but holy crap! You may as well have added that you’ll be carrying a gun in your handbag and you’ll have him strip searched by your bouncer. (If you get a bouncer, you should hire Mr. T. He needs the work.)
Okay, so meeting in a public place is good. Smart. But unless you are planning on meeting at, say, a party or group event, don’t take your friends. Imagine how you would feel if this dude brought a handful of his friends along to a date. If you feel safer having a friend sit a few tables away so you can give her a secret signal if things get weird, that’s a lot better than packing the ladies into the booth with you. And as for the exchange of information, if you are really that concerned about giving him your phone number, ask for his and block yours when you call, though I have to say that in my experience the most a guy can do with a phone number is annoy you at 2 a.m. after a night of drinking. (Same thing for girls.)
Honestly, though, if you’ve talked to the guy online and he seems normal, stop working yourself up so much. And if you can’t stop working yourself up, wait a while before jumping into the online dating scene.
– Nikol
———————————————–
Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
