I’ve been sleeping on the couch a lot lately. That’s because my wife is pregnant with our first child. Each night, using every pillow, blanket, towel, and what have you, we construct an elaborate, architectural, block-and-tackle masterpiece designed to support every joint, socket and vertebra. Much like a shipment from Amazon.com, there’s an absurd amount of packing material and, as a result, there’s very little room left on the bed for Daddy.
But, otherwise, I’m doing my best to prepare. I can field strip a breast pump in 7 seconds. I assembled the crib in the living room and then, when it wouldn’t fit through the door of the baby’s room, took it apart again. And of course, it’s baby shower time.
I wasn’t allowed go to the first part of the shower because my male “Y” chromosome would interfere with whatever unspeakable female initiation ceremony that occurs at these estrogen-soaked cabals. But I was allowed to go to the gift opening, which entertained the other ladies to no end. My wife would place an item in my hand and slowly explain it to me like the Miracle Worker explaining water to Helen Keller. And the other ladies would point and giggle like they were watching a baby chimp eating an ice cream cone.
Among the U-Haul truck’s worth of tiny, precious, soft things, my unborn daughter did receive a cute little onesie that said: “I Love My Daddy.” And it’s about time she felt that way. I mean, after all I plan to have done for her.
Apparently, at baby showers, the ladies play games right after the secret, ancient fertility rituals but before the cake. My wife, being the guest of honor, was precluded from winning, but afterwards, there were a couple prizes left over so, in addition to the other stuff, we also brought home some liquid soap.
It’s the color of grape soda and it’s called “Midnight Pomegranate.” It’s not massage oil; it’s soap. Anti-bacterial, in fact, and, in my opinion, the name “Midnight Pomegranate” is way too sexy for anti-bacterial soap.
But I guess it did smell like pomegranate if someone, God alone knows why, made it into soap, and it certainly had the cleaning power of midnight, but, still, the name was odd to me. These two things (midnight and pomegranate) had absolutely nothing to do with each other. Why someone brought them together for the first time as soap got me thinking, and, in the spirit of “Midnight Pomegranate,” I’d like to offer the following names for future soaps:
Ginseng Frost
Jasmine Underlay
Pinochle Forest
Cinnamon Contentment
Latent Vanilla
Adolescent Cranberry
Unconditional Pumpkin
First College Ex-Spearmint
Pepper Jingle
Radiant Lemon
Quality Thyme
Jesus Loves Nougat
Aching Loin Berry Blend
Brunch
Muskmelon on the Sheets
Paranormal Undertones Peach
Aroused Citrus Medley
Grumbling Sky Merlot
Cilantro Nights
Moist Chocolate Infusion
Banana Panda Pajama
Coconut Freedom
Paisley Cherry Regards
Pineapple Exhaust
Fields of Apprehension
Hazelnut Buttocks
Summer Caress
Zesty Patriot Breeze
Quivering Lilac
Grandma’s Apple Island
Mango Steam Bath
Chai Latte Forgiveness
Awapuhi Sunrise
Uncle Cedar’s Pillow
Polite Pear Rebuke
Alternative Clothesline
Sugar Cramps
Feel free to contact me regarding the purchase of any of these names. (I’m looking at you, Bed, Bath & Beyond).
By the way, they would also make excellent Ben and Jerry’s flavors.
