Low Sex Drive

Hi Nikol,

I’m in love! When my boyfriend and I met we had everything. We were attracted to each other physically, emotionally and intellectually. The relationship evolved quickly and after about 10 months we moved in together. About two months into living together I noticed that the frequency of sex was declining. We were just as intimate, always touching, back scratching, kissing and being verbally intimate (sharing “I love yous” and other affectionate language) but it seemed that he was too tired or just not interested in actually having sex. We’re now well into our second year of living together. We’re still very much in love, we’ve gotten engaged, we go on dates, share verbal and physical affection daily, but the sex is infrequent, only about one to two times a month. I have shared my expectations for sex, telling him I’d like to have sex one to two times weekly. He tells me I still arouse him, but that our schedule just doesn’t allow for us to make love as often as I’d like. He says he’s not masturbating either (I still am, like CRAZY) and I’m beginning to wonder, what IS a normal sex drive? Am I just wound up or do I need to push him to see a doctor/counselor?

He’s a relatively healthy 35-year-old. He exercises regularly, but is carrying around a few extra pounds. He’s very emotionally open, I just think he should be as amorous as he was at the beginning of our relationship.

Thoughts?

Burning out Batteries in Bayview

Dear Triple B,

One to two times a month is wicked hard! Or should I say wicked soft? You’re a damn saint to put up with that kind of infrequency, especially when the standards were presumably set higher during that first lovely 10 months. Giving advice to strangers is so difficult because I am obviously not in the room with the two of you while you schmoopily exchange sweet words and intimate touching, so bare with me as I tick off my ideas about what might be happening.

Your dude already told you that he is super busy and that is what is keeping him from putting it to you as often. This is a somewhat valid excuse, because as professional lives go on, anxieties rise and we are often elsewhere with our thoughts. However, it would be prudent to point out that you aren’t busy at night and if he needs routine, you could always schedule the sexy time. If his issue is that he is tired, point out that sex is an excellent stress reliever. If he is thinking of other things, let him know that it is important to take your mind away from the humdrum and put it into a little bit of recreation on a regular basis, as this makes us more effective in all other areas of our lives.

Unless…

Unless the sex itself is the humdrum for him. I’m not knocking you. You obviously have an open mind about sex and know your way around a toy or two. I’m just saying that it is possible your non-masturbating, infrequent-sex having boyfriend needs a little bit of inspiration. If you two are as open as you have said, you can easily have a prompting conversation with him about possibly trying out some new things. People are interested in all kinds of different things and it couldn’t hurt to give it a pass.

I say, next time the two of you have a scheduled date take him into one of those special sex shops your mother warned you about and wander about. Look at the toys. Look at the movies and magazines. Check out some of the costumes. See if the magic happens and keep experimenting.

If that isn’t the issue and sex is an important factor for you, ask him to please see his doctor about his lack of drive. They have pills for that. Make sure he knows it doesn’t make him less of a man, it just helps you smile at strangers more often.

Questions?

If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.