Dear Nikol,
I’ve been going out with this guy for three months and he’s really great. He’s openly gay and I am, too. The thing is he uses Facebook and he has a lot of friends on there – most of them gay like us, but also the usual friends and family members.
I, in a mostly joking way, said that we should “make it official” and become Facebook boyfriends. I thought he was joking when he said no way, and I changed my status to “In A Relationship” and said it was with him. After a week of him not confirming it I asked him why and he said that we didn’t need to announce our relationship on Facebook because then everyone is in our business. He said that Facebook isn’t about cruising, so I shouldn’t worry.
If that is true, then why has he left his status as “Single”? Is he embarrassed of me? I try not to be jealous, but it upsets me that he’s kind of making it seem like he’s single. I know when I met guys I liked in the past and I added them the first thing I looked at was their relationship status. What’s going on with him? Should I put my foot down about this or am I being dumb?
– InterNUTS
Dear InterNUTS,
Odd how the Internet gets into everything, like little bits of sand. More and more these days our online presence becomes a part of work, school, and, especially, our relationships. Facebook is pretty darn cool because it allows people to stay connected without having to work too hard at it. Wanna know how Aunt Christine’s surgery went? Why not check on her status update? And the reconnections with people you thought you’d never see again are sometimes pretty cool. Even that kid who used to pummel your ass on the playground has the chance to say he’s sorry about all that. (It happens.)
But there is an ugly side to all of this as well. (Cue the impending doom music.) Social networks also cause some major rifts in young relationships. When you first start dating someone you may be tempted to scour their profile, looking at all pictures, wall posts – anything that tells you more about this amazing new person that you can’t stop thinking about. But in the process you may also see pictures of exes or posts that make you wonder. Already you are looking into a part of that person’s life that never before in history have people had a chance to see. The stories of a person’s life used to come out slowly over the course of your time together. This kind of massive dump of partial information can be overwhelming.
And this is all just at the start. What happens when they start adding new friends? Every time new names pop up you may be tempted to ask who they are, or even to look at their profile to see if they are a threat. Again, never before have relationships had to endure such personal scrutiny of any new connections each partner makes. It could be just a new pal from work, but if that new pal is hot and interesting and you have no information about how they know your boyfriend it is only natural to wonder. And then you are stuck because if you ask your boyfriend you are just being creepy.
It may seem I’ve gotten off topic, but stay with me. The aspect you asked about is the relationship status. (For all two people who read this and don’t understand what that means, Facebook allows you to indicate if you are in a relationship so that everyone you deem worthy of adding as a friend can see. You can then specify the person you are in that relationship with, but they must approve such a listing. You may also choose to just leave that section blank.) Nuts, you have a right to be put off by your boyfriend keeping his listing as single.
I am all for not listing relationships if that is how a person feels. It can be really annoying to get a million emails, texts, and calls when you change that status to “In a Relationship,” and it can be even more unbearable to change it back to “Single” and have a broken heart icon displayed so that all of your friends and family feel like they need to send you Internet ((((((hugs)))))). Sorry, everyone, but your bracketed hugs don’t do a damn thing to lessen my need to hide in a blanket fort eating twinkies while I let my heart heal.
So, it is totally valid that he doesn’t want the drama. But I’m on your side with him keeping himself listed as single. I don’t give a crap if he thinks it’s no big deal, because you have said it matters to you. If it really isn’t a big deal he can just leave that status blank. Yes, people use Facebook to check this sort of stuff out. And, I say, if your boyfriend wants to be listed as single, he better be ready to be single. You can’t have the best of both worlds and he’s probably just keeping his options open. I’ve been wrong before (I once thought the Netherlands were in South America) so make sure you really talk this through with him before putting your foot down. And if he doesn’t have a really good reason, but still doesn’t relent, he isn’t worth the time it takes to unfriend him.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
