I’m not going to lie to you; last week’s post took a lot out of me. Revisiting heartaches of the past can be tough for anyone, right? Hey, I know we’ve all been there. And going through those heartache experiences changes a person…all of us. And if it doesn’t, then you either haven’t been lucky enough to go through any heartache (and I do sincerely mean lucky…no sarcasm here), or you’re kidding yourself about not having been hurt. I totally agree with Alanis Morrissette, “I recommend getting your heart trampled on, to anyone.” Because the upside to getting “trampled on” is, if you’re open to it, learning more about yourself and growing.
Don’t get me wrong. This self-awareness didn’t happen overnight. If it did for you, then let me be the first to say, I’m jealous…I mean, you lucky devil! But no worries, I eventually got there. And because of my experiences, and maybe you can relate to this, I’ve come to value the importance of establishing, keeping, and working at making deeper connections with people. This is where my Sunday Boyfriends come into the picture.
Now I realize there are different Sunday Boyfriends to accommodate different Sunday Boyfriend needs. That’s the best part about the Sunday Boyfriend philosophy…customization. There’s no “one size fits all” definition. My Sunday Boyfriends fit my needs and yours fit yours. Fantastic! The constant is a two-way street of kindness and respect. You choose who receives the coveted SB title in your world.
Each of my SBs has received their titles because all, in one way or another, not only taught me a valuable life lesson, but also showed me they wanted to stick around and be my friend. I’m very lucky, indeed. At their core, each of my SBs taught me the value of friendship because they showed me what it means to forgive. But this came over time, and only happened after I was willing to look within, be a little kinder to myself for my mistakes, and forgive myself. Once I let go of the crazy idea that I was always without fault, when every problem in my life came at someone else’s hands and not mine, was I finally able to realize a life with happiness rather than anger. Taking responsibility, accountability can be a scary prospect. In my last post I shared how after the break up with my College SB, I told myself I was fine…but I wasn’t. I was putting my feelings on a shelf rather than confronting them because I was too afraid of how much it would, did hurt. But I promise you, facing your feelings is better than fighting the demon(s) that prohibit you from reaching this awareness.
And it turns out, when someone was, is nice to me after I’ve been a jerk (yep, I can be a jerk), my heart swells with happiness; mostly because they are showing me a better way, a kinder way, to treat people. Anything like this ever happen to you…Someone shows kindness to you after you were a jerk? How does that make you feel? Humbled? Cared for? Worth it? Did it make you see yourself and your actions differently? I have felt all of these things when any and all of my Sunday Boyfriends have showed me this kindness, friendship. That’s why they are my Sunday Boyfriends. After learning these lessons from my SBs, I now try to do something different when encountering jerks…
I either ask them what they are afraid of or I give them a hug. Sound wacky? Um, maybe a little, but hear me out.
Many of you know anger is really fear. Being afraid of something can make folks lash out and turn the most reasonable person into an entirely different person. So I try to remember when people are angry, they are really afraid of something. So sometimes a situation can be diffused by simply asking someone what they are afraid of. Because maybe they aren’t even aware they are afraid and take pause when the question is asked. It can throw people off enough to take that step back if they are in the middle of a tirade and expecting confrontation rather than care.
As for the hugs, well I don’t do that for everyone. I have to really know the person to gauge the potential of them pushing me off in their fit of anger. Sure, that’s happened once or twice, but it doesn’t stop me from the prospect of giving hugs when I think they’d help. And I’ll be honest, hugging folks when they are angry, or being hurtful, isn’t the easiest thing for me to do because my hard-wired first reaction is to strap on my red-headed, Irish-tempered can of whoop-ass and tell them to pound sand. But after years of doing just this, I realized I wasn’t helping a situation…I was actually hurting it. And in some cases I even lost friends. So I began to question what I was actually accomplishing. By no means am I saying people don’t have a right to be angry. Feel that way when you need to. I’m just sharing a different way to look at your reaction towards someone else’s anger. Being mad, in a word, stinks. It zaps energy, feels crummy, and creates a stinky world. Questioning and hugs are just what I’ve chosen to do over the years to mitigate that feeling.
And honestly, not everyone likes it when I hug them or ask them what they are afraid of when they are angry. I get it. I gauge who I think will be open to it before doing it. I have tried to do this with most, if not all of my Sunday Boyfriends and vice versa. My hope is to take them out of their angry moment, for a minute, to gain some perspective on whatever it is they are mad about. We’re all people who make mistakes, get mad, get sad, create happiness, and make friends. We’re also fully equipped to realize that we can take control and drive our emotional buses to decide how we want to feel, act, behave, and share in any situation. Don’t make the mistake of letting someone else’s anger, or any emotion for that matter, devour your personality. Because if you do, I guarantee you’ll be pretty lonely and pretty exhausted. Yep. Been there, done that. Stinky. Instead, take a moment out of yourself to find out what it is that is making you, or someone else afraid. If you practice this new perspective with your friends and Sunday Boyfriends, I guarantee you’ll learn something more about yourself and them.
As always, be good to yourself, your Sunday Boyfriends, and stay comfy.
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