Dear Nikol,
My dating and sex life are a mess. Basically I’ve had two experiences: a two week “something” with a friend that didn’t involve sex and went bad pretty quickly, and a drunken sexcapade with a girl, an acquaintance, who had a girlfriend. Obviously, my love and lust life are weak, pathetic and in need of some help and guidance.
Most of my friends don’t know about the drunken-one-night stand and I’ve lied about having other sexual experiences because it felt embarrassing at the time to not have had any. But I’m over the embarrassment stuff and am at a place now that I don’t care if I’m not that sexually experienced with another person – but I want to get some experience soon. I know my likes and dislikes in the bedroom and I’m not opposed to sex for fun and only fun, bbut the STI thing scares me so I’m not into “hooking up.” My biggest troubles are with meeting girls.
I need some flirting advice. I’ve never asked someone on a date, flirted in a bar (though I’ve been to the lesbian bars and clubs), or felt comfortable enough to smile and talk to a cute girl I see out and about. I’m kind of shy, but I’m ready to get over that, or at least start moving out of my comfort zone.
Do you have any flirting tips or tricks to give me confidence at the bar or out in public? Any flirting and conversation tips/tricks I can practice by myself or with a friend? Anything would be helpful. Thanks.
-Flirting with Problems
Dear FwP,
I find that shaking my boobs at people is a sure-fire way to let them know I think they are cute. Problem solved? (Really, though, not the best technique unless you’ve had a lot to drink and you can blame the liquor.)
Flirting is one of those things that can go terribly wrong unless you are comfortable and it comes naturally. All of those bullshit books out there for men about how to get better at picking up women are packed full of tips which, while forcing people out of their normal comfort zone, just train them to think of women as conquests thereby packing bars full of smarmy douches. Luckily there is not yet a Lesbian Pick Up Artist, but if there were, I would hope that she would not call dating a “numbers game.”
Being a shy person myself, I’d have to say that my best flirts happen when I use that shyness to my advantage, and maybe that can work for you as well. This involves a lot of small smiles and looking down when someone catches you looking at them. The best flirting spots are bars, coffee shops, and bookstores. Bookstores are especially great because they give you plenty of conversation fodder. But anywhere you hang out socially can provide you with the same inspiration. Say you’re at a restaurant and you notice a funny sign or some bizarre looking food item, people are completely open to and interested in funny commentary about things around them. (Note: Avoid negative topics and keep it light. You’re only flirting at this point and politics, religion, and how angry you are about the state of the world are not important until the second date.)
You mention practicing flirting with a friend. In my opinion, it won’t be quite as effective if you’re rehearsing. You need to flirt for real, but I do understand the desire to get some practice. This is why I would suggest that you find a location in which there is no way you are going to see the people again and have a care-free flirt session. Don’t go in looking for names or numbers. Just flirt and see what sort of a reaction you get. New York trains are great for this, but you can also try the supermarket or pharmacy. (Don’t flirt at WalMart. You’ll leave pregnant. Trust me.)
Really, every time you flirt it will be received differently. Just remember that everything that involves two people is specific to those two people, from flirting, to kissing, to sex, to showing affection. So, do that really difficult thing and force yourself to relax. Now get out there and charm the pants off of some ladies.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
