Dear Nikol,
My wife got drunk recently and told me that her father molested her when she was a kid. He and I see each other pretty frequently. We go to games together, and we’ve always gotten along. Since she told me this, I have been avoiding him. I haven’t brought it up to her and I don’t think she even remembers saying it. How do I deal with this?
– Angry and Confused
Dear A&C ,
At this point, unless you’re the sort of person who enjoys having a constantly bitten tongue, you will need to talk to your wife about what she told you. You should do this when she’s sober, and when the two of you have a good deal of time to talk about it. This isn’t a weekday breakfast time conversation.
I think everyone should have a therapist already, but in your wife’s case, I would suggest that you ask her to see someone (if she’s not already) for a few sessions, and that you do the same. Your own emotions on the issue should not be swept under the rug, but it would be very easy for her to internalize those feelings and further feel responsible for something of which she was the victim. You need someone you can talk to about any hostility or anger you have, and she needs someone she can talk to about something she’s held in for many years. You can’t be her therapist with this. You’re just too close to it.
As for what to do about your father-in-law, I think it’s best that you hold off on going to games with him or spending time with him until you’ve fully processed what happened and you and your wife are on the same page about how to move forward. Your relationship with him will never be the same. Even if you all sat down and got everything out on the table, or even if you and your wife decide not to bring it up to him, you will always know that he is someone who hurt someone you love. You may never fully get over the desire to punch him in the face.
Whatever does happen, know that this is one of those situations in life that you have no choice but to be strong over, but it doesn’t need to occupy so much emotional space that it leaves you stuck and exhausted. Pay attention to your wife’s cues of when she wants to talk, and when she needs to take a break from talking. Sad as it may be, it is alarmingly common for people to have been molested or abused in their childhood. Don’t let this consume you, just let it make you stronger
– Nikol
***
Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com or by clicking here. Your anonymity will be protected.
