Dear Nikol,
I started dating a guy a few months ago and at the time I was also dating other people. We made it exclusive fairly early, though, and we’ve had an amazing time together. I totally love him and he totally loves me. However, I am a jealous person and I hate it when he gets text messages from the girls he was dating before me. He never replies to them, which infuriates me because I feel like he should just say that he has a girlfriend instead of saying nothing.
On the other hand, I still get text messages from people I was dating. I tell them I have a boyfriend and they say stuff like, “Let me know when you break up.” I know that’s insulting, but I feel like I am doing the right thing by telling them. One of the guys I talk to still is a sore subject because my boyfriend thinks he’s just lurking around. He’s become a confidant to me, though. I talk to him about our relationship and I avoid talking about other things with him. I don’t hide the fact that I am talking to him and I really am not doing it to make my boyfriend mad.
Recently, however, he found a string of texts between me and that dude and he flipped out. He took all of his stuff out of my place and he called the other guy and told him not to talk to me. He says he doesn’t trust me anymore. So, what did I do wrong in the first place and how do I make it better again? I really love this guy. I want to make him trust me.
– Trust Issues
Dear TI,
Trust is messy. No two people I’ve ever met trust the same. Most people I know fall into one of two camps: 1.) I’ll trust anyone until they give me a reason not to. or 2.) I don’t trust anyone until they earn it. That seems simple enough. Find out which one your boyfriend is and… Well, you’d be doomed in either case. It’s a good thing human beings have the capacity to forgive, which is a function of trust. In truly forgiving you are trusting that the other person, should they still be in your life, will not screw up like that again. But how did you screw up?
Honey, you don’t talk to other boys about your relationship. It’s some unwritten code. If you are talking to a guy you dated, and especially if it was recently, there is probably some part of you waiting for your boyfriend to leave you and you are the one who wants to have a fall back. If you really do love your boyfriend, you need to knock that shit off. I don’t care if that other guy and you have ten million things in common and you’re such great friends. Go make some other friends. You know, friends you haven’t slept with.
As for how to make things right with your boyfriend, it is possible that you can’t. He’ll probably be mistrustful of every text message you get from now on. And don’t go trying to show him every one. That’ll get old for both of you. Saying he no longer trusts you is a pretty bold statement. It could have been said in the heat of the situation, but you can only do so much to remedy those feelings.
You do need to talk to him and tell him that you know why texting that other guy was wrong. You should be honest with him about why you were doing it. Delete that number, by the way. Never speak to the other dude again. Let your boy know that if he is ever suspicious of your other male friends it is okay for him to talk to you about it. Keep communication open.
You say you love him, so love the hell out of him. Show him your feelings for him in a way that will matter to him. And even if none of this works and he dumps you, remember this next time. You need to love the same way you’d expect to be loved.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
