Dear Nikol,
My new girlfriend and I met while I was dating someone else. This other girl was very fun, cool, good in bed, and just a great friend. But I fell hard for the new woman, and we quickly decided we were going to be exclusive. I avoided talking to the other girl for a few days, then finally I called her to let her know. I said that she was great, but that I was really stuck on this other person. She was more serious about me than I was about her, and she cried over the phone. This was about a month ago, but she still continues to send me angry emails and texts. New girlfriend and I agreed to full disclosure, and new girlfriend is not very happy about any of it. I feel like it’s up to me to try to resolve the issue with the other girl. I honestly cared about her and don’t want her to remain hurt. New girlfriend has made it clear that she isn’t worried I’ll go back with the other girl, yet she still gets pissy and doesn’t want me to talk to her anymore. What gives? Why would she care if I talk to the other woman if she’s not jealous, and more than that, what’s the right thing to do?
– Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
Wrong. Right. Whatever. If I can sit here eating a peanut butter and cabbage sandwich in my bathrobe at 1 in the afternoon on a weekday, there’s not much to be said for anything in this world being right or wrong.
Okay, I’ll spell this out for you. Maybe your NG (new girlfriend) is jealous of your OG (original gangster old girlfriend) and she’s just telling you that she isn’t. But it’s more likely that it’s disrespectful of this other woman to continue to need your emotional support at a time when you should be clicking your heels together in happiness. Tra la la, new love, sounds fantastic. Not only is it disrespectful toward your NG for this woman to continue to lean on you, it’s not okay for you to continue to let yourself be leaned on, no matter how guilty you feel. Your OG, much as she wants to talk to you, needs to lean on other support systems right now to get through this.
Also, consider that your continued presence in OG’s life isn’t healthy right now. She needs space to forget about how she feels about you. She needs space to get pissed off at you and hate you for not returning her calls because if she doesn’t get that space, the flame may always stay kindled for you. And hey, if things ever get crappy between you and NG, at least you’ll have a fallback, right?
And why do you feel that you need to set things right, anyway? This is to assume that what you’ve done is wrong. Disappearing without explanation is lousy. Stringing someone along without telling them the truth is jerkish. The way you handled it seems pretty reasonable to me. Now continue to be reasonable, and tell OG that you need some space from her. Don’t expect the texts to stop. Just stop answering them.
– Nikol
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